Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: ouch ... my own stupidity

Posted by maxime on March 27, 2005, at 0:28:06

In reply to Re: ouch ... my own stupidity, posted by jasmineneroli on March 27, 2005, at 0:04:05

Dear Jas. I know things are getting bad. But if I go to the hospital I will just be turned away. I ended up using butterfly strips for my cut. It will still heal funny but it's better than nothing.

A few weeks ago I typed out journal for my pdoc every night for one week. I made explicit references to suicide. I was very honest in my daily updates. I would then fax them to him. I did this upon his request.

I feel like I have done everything possible to tell my doctor that I am going downhill. He also knows I have a history of serious attempts (not cries for help). So I feel like my feelings and thoughts have been ignored or negated somehow. In the past I have never been so open with a pdoc before. Now I am and he isn't listening. So I figure it means it doesn't matter. That I am not that sick. I even told him what I have been eating and he is not phased by it. So I see it as a green light to go ahead and continue eating 500 calories a day. I AM NOT EVEN LOSING ANY WEIGHT!

I have a close friend who live in another Province and her pdoc called the police on her. She was taken to the hospital and then sent home because she wasn't going to kill herself that night. The same thing happened to me when I was living there.

So then I am made to feel like I am wasting a bed. In fact, one time when I was living in that other province I had taken an OD. I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just wanted to escape. I lived on my own and I knew I would just wake up eventually. But someone phoned me and I instinctively picked up the phone. The person called the police and I was taken to the hospital. I overheard a nurse say that I was "using up a bed" and that there were people waiting in the ER waiting room who DESERVED it (that is the word she used) more than me. I got out of the bed and tore the IV out of my arm and said "I'm leaving, give it to someone who deserves it". By then my arm was dripping blood from where I had taken out the IV and two security guards pounced on me and dragged me to a psych room where I stayed locked up for 24 hours and then I was released.

I am not going to the hospital. They can't help me. They don't want me. The province I am living in is worse than where I was before so I am scared sh*tless to even try.

Thanks for caring though. I appreciate it. I truly do.


> Maxime,
> I've read your posts many times, but haven't been posting myself for a while, until just now.
> You are so kind and helpful to others, even when you suffer so yourself. That is such a valuable asset, and I, for one, am thankful for your ability to step outside your own pain for other people.
> Did you end up getting medical treatment for the cut? I understand that attention is not what you were looking for, but maybe the hospital could be a good place to be now?
> Even though you are not making overt suicide attempts, you display some suicide ideation or "para-suicidal" thoughts, in several of your posts over the past 2 days. For e.g.: Wanting to go to "Heaven", as a vacation destination, taking a lot of pills for sleep "but not enough to OD", and now cutting deep enough to require stitches.
> Something's going on here.
> You are worrying me.
> Can you call your Pdoc? A close friend?
> Please take care.
> Warmest wishes,
> Jas




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:maxime thread:475688