Posted by MoparFan91 on February 22, 2005, at 21:05:21
In reply to Re: Dysphoric Mania » MoparFan91, posted by CareBear04 on February 22, 2005, at 20:14:00
> interesting... i'll just share some experiences and maybe you can categorize them since i missed some of the finer points of your distinctions.
According to my experience, my mixed states present the following symptoms:
Self-rage and damaging my own belongs
Extremely agitated and wanting to jump out of my skin
Self-injury and cutting
Things and people occasionally having a nightmarish quality to them
Being anxiety-ridden, tense, and scared
Certain kinds of music (whether from my stereo or in my head) makes me go crazy and bang my head on the table or wall
Paranoia or thinking that others are against me
Feelings that no one likes me
Feeling removed from everyone and lost in a bad world
Mental torturing with bad, scary thoughts in part due to the OCD
I have problems with OCD along with the Bipolar, and when OCD symptoms happen during a mixed state, it can turn real ugly real fast. It's like my mind is 'sticking' and 'locking on' to certain bad thoughts, and they push me down further in the abyss and make me more anxious/agitated. It's next to impossible to get out of this state because of this.
> i used to have purely "white" manias-- high energy, euphoric, magnetic, energizer bunny states that lasted months. i'd get so much done and feel so great, and people would inquire whether i was on amphetamines or wonder how i got everything done and didn't sleep.
I tend to get hypomanias where I feel boundless energy, elated, and laugh at about even the silliest things. I put a funny twist on everything. It's like feeling a little high (on some nitrous acid, or 'laughing gas'). I talk and talk and talk. I've acted obnoxious at times in this state.
> when i had my first really serious depressive episode and was put on lexapro, it put me in a really bad place. the depression was blacker than ever, but while it had been the lethargic sort before, it became super-agitated akathisia like depression. this was nyc, and i used to go up to the roofs of high buildings with strong urges to throw myself off, partly from depression, and partly just because i felt so much agitation that i couldn't get away from myself. i had psychotic symptoms-- paranoid delusions that my room was bugged and people on the street would shoot me; visual hallucinations of blood and body parts; auditory hallucinations telling me to hurt myself. was this a dysphoric mania or a mixed state or an agitated depression? antidepressants in general tend to do bad things to me, especially without a strong mood stabilizer. the SSRIs are the worst, like for you.
I'm sorry to hear what you went through. It's a really bad feeling. I hope you're doing better.
What you had above was definitely a mixed state. A mixed can feel like a form of akathisia to me. It's like wounded in a cage trying to get out but can't.
Even on mood stabilizers, I became (hypo)manic on them. Eventually, I got to mood cycling faster and more fiercely on them, though the depression was better overall.
> finally, i've recently had high energy states where i've felt cabin fever and had to keep moving and cleaning and doing. i couldn't sit still but wasn't doing anything that productive. it wasn't a white mania; i was definitely irritable, which isn't like me. i couldn't sleep, but unlike mania, where i don't feel the need to sleep, this was like depression where i wanted to sleep but couldn't. my energy level was high, but it was too much for my mood to handle in a way. is this dysphoric mania?
This is more like Dysphoric HypoMania to me. Irritability is a main component.
> these are some of the states i've had. thoughts?
Your agitated depression experience sounded very similar to what I went through before. Many times, I've felt like driving off a bridge in these states. Mixed States are more like impulsive depression or depression on Speed.