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Are these Hypomanias » SLS

Posted by Mr.Scott on January 2, 2005, at 17:13:34

In reply to Re: Rapid cycling definitions: varying concepts » D minor, posted by SLS on January 2, 2005, at 10:06:21

Hi,

Here's my experiences of what I'll call hypomania. Keep in mind no physician has ever claimed to have seen me in a hypomanic state and I've seen the doc for 4 years. He once said I was in a mixed state from what I described.

Here goes....
-Antidepressant induced or stimulant induced-
-Lexapro 2002-

Feeling of a rush of energy inside that feels wonderful! Lot's of mental energy. Music playing in the mind all the time. Creative wheels moving. Listening to super loud music in the car and really 'feeling' it diferently than usual. Giddy...Making tons of jokes and being slap happy. A little relentless, but others find amusing not annoying. Internal desire to make plans for the future and a feeling that I need to get moving and quit being so depressed. A feeling that things are going to be different this time (although due to repeated experience this has gone away and is now replaced with fear). Desire for lots of sex! Feel more charismatic and charming. A feeling that it's absolutely okay to be me, and that anything is possible! Rekindle old flames disregarding previous experiences. Maybe buy too many presents or a couple of unneeded items for myself. Nothing Too extravagant though. Sleep is not affected except maybe at the very beginning of an Antidepressant trial. Inevitably this feeling starts to go away. Maybe after 2 days or 1 week. I notice side effects from the antidepressant. Could be facial swelling, muscle aches, constipation, fatigue, or whatever! Agitation albeit mild replaces initial excitement and euphoria. Now I begin to feel more angry, anxious, agitated. I'll fantasize about morbid things. At this point the Antidepressant gets lowered or canned entirely.

-Prozac & Wellbutrin Combo 1996-

Was on Prozac alone which gave my the positive feeling above, except it actually lasted 6-9 months! Then it pooped out and I started using more and more alcohol, amphetamines, cocaine, etc to keep it alive. I developed a constant dysphoria and a bad drug habbit. Went to rehab and detoxed. Came home and relapsed and Wellbutrin + Clonazepam was added to Prozac. My mood literally shifted every few hours one night from 'driven happiness' to 'driven dysphoria' I smoked tons of cigarettes this night and talked as is everything was going to be okay. Later that night I became agitated and could not sleep. I began to feel that there was no point and I proceeded to attempt suicide by using alcohol, pills, razor blades, and Carbon Monoxide. Apparently I wasn't all that serious because while bleeding in the garage I phoned an old girlfriend and gave away where I was inadvertantly. The garage door was completed broken through 15 minutes later and I was in a coma for 2 or 3 days.

-Imipramine 2003-
Already seriously depressed and newly participating in 12 step group (6mos). My doc tells me I'm in a mixed state and recommends ECT. Feels like an agitated depression and that SSRI's can't help due to side effects. I see another doc who poo poos ECT and says everyone is bipolar. He gives me Impramine. This agitates me further and I say F*** It! I go out drinking and coking for an entire weekend keeping company with unsavory fellows in a motel I had just met on the street in a bad part of Chicago. I come back to work on Monday and employees and partner note that I seem to be doing better! (to come down I used 3 different mood stabilizers and slept all day and night Sunday). Eventually I decide 'to try' ECT. Results are questionable. "I guess maybe it helped a little."

-Initial and seperate Nardil, Ritalin, and Prozac trials-
Similar experience as Lexapro, except these last longer. Prozac 6-9months. Nardil 3 months. Ritalin 2 months. All end with tremendous dissapointment and more depression. Some with drug relapses.

Keep in mind there have been hundreds more smaller scale events like these that lasted only a day or two where I was activated, hostile, highly productive, anxious or even obsessed with intense violent thoughts.

Mostly I feel depressed and anxious and obsessed with one thing or another though. Winters are awful it seems literally must sleep all the time and have NO energy. I have a history of ADD/conduct disorder and had a penchant for antisocial activities in my youth. I was always angry/fearful/ and threatening as a youth. Early involvement with sex & drugs. Currently I am in recovery from all street drugs and alcohol, but I crave often and it takes a lot of energy I really don't have right now to fight them off! Today I'm just unhappy...tired...scared...and still unf***ing clear as to what my diagnosis is!

Scott


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poster:Mr.Scott thread:435630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041228/msgs/436872.html