Posted by tom_traubert on November 28, 2004, at 15:45:38
In reply to Re: Meds for Obsessional Thoughts, posted by TommyIsland on November 28, 2004, at 14:11:27
> >I know what u mean about trying to change the thoughts but at the same time I feel that the thoughts themself are so gripping because it actually becomes a phobia entangled in your mind. It almost seems like a neverending circle of reactions followed by dread. I would like to think that if u can "De-Power" the thoughts and get a grip on them, u can see that they are simply irrational fears. My thoughts like I said earlier are all based around things that can't be proved 100%. For example, I'm not obsessed with flying away like a helium balloon because gravity exists 100% and I know were not going to floar away. When we enter the human character........that is were I have been able to really dig in and obsess away to the point where I can't actually find any proofs. For example, I look at personality and I then analyze it and tear it down with "What If's." I can start breaking it down and it seems to have immediate results. I don't want to weigh u down with more meaningless thoughts so I'll end it at that but I just wanted to give you an idea of the kind of thoughts I'm personally dealing with. It really all leads me to realize it's completely self sabotaging self destrucive behavior. It's like I'm on this neverending quest to disprove the things in life that make us happy and prove that there just fabricated ideas and emotions that can be changed as quickly as they can be broken down and challenged. I know this sounds like a horrible thing to obsess about but it truly has me in it's "Vice Grips" and I need to be released to enjoy my life again. Sometimes I just wish I could get hypnotized to forget these things or even get ECT and maybe I would forget these obsessions. I actually feel that if I hadn't stumbled into this way of thinking, I would never be like the way I am. I really feel like I'm just completely over taken by these thoughts and ideas and as a result I have a true phobia of thinking about these things because in my mind they have power and credibility that I can't disprove or shake away as just purely "nonsense." If you can relate to me I guess I would be happy but if you can't, I'm just as happy for you because it is a living hell man. Any advice from this monologue I just wrote would be greatly appreciated.
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> Tommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!Yes yes yes, of course, absolutely. I don't want you to think that I'm saying your thoughts are completely irrelevant, that they're completely irrational. It's the power they have over you and their exaggerated importance that I was getting at. OCD attacks with thoughts that have a basis in reality, that have a possibility of being true or dangerous, which is exactly what gives them power. When I first started having trouble, it was with violent images, criminally sexual images, which would fly into my brain. I would be talking to a loved one, and a crystal clear picture would enter my mind of me doing violent harm to them or abusing them sexually. With family members, if you can imagine the horror. I puked my guts out night after night, panic attacks keeping me away from everything. Of course my first thought was not that I had never had an urge to do these things, that this was just a weird thing, and that the thoughts actually were repulsive and made me sick. No, the first thought was "I'm losing my mind. I am going to kill people. I am going to rape people. I am going to do terrible things." Because the thoughts made that idea possible, that I would turn into a monster. It didn't happen, of course. But I had no idea what OCD even was. Not a clue. I didn't even know that I was experienccing a panic attack or what a panic attack even was. I had seen tv and movies like everyone where lunatics and murderers do unimaginable crimes. Actual news stories where a man murders his family. These things happen--that was the one tie to reality that gave the thoughts such terrifying importance, causing me to blindly and frantically search for ways to convince myself that it wouldn't happen which just made the thoughts come even more. Once I learned about ocd I knew that I would never do these things. OK. So the violent images stopped, and the ceaseless self-criticism and evaluation started. The point I'm trying to make here is that whether it is violent images or thoughts about others or hating how your mind automatically has to size up and disprove everything that comes your way, it makes no difference. These are all symptoms of a pattern. Whatever you feel you SHOULDN'T be thinking about, but has an urgent need for you to figure out, is what will enter your mind.
The OCD will not let me enjoy things. I know where you're coming from, tommy, I really do. Every time someone mentions an idea or an emotion or anything, your mind has to size it up, prove or disprove it, MAKE IT SAFE, MAKE IT UNDERSTANDABLE. One thing I realized is that this is a weird form of self protection. If you spend your time figuring out how emotions are predictable and undependable, you'll never have to enter any kind of situation where you're actually feel an emotion. Becuase the thinking is distorted, it goes to extremes, it wants an answer. It is from fear that it wants an answer, even though it doesn't feel that way. The thoughts that I have now are all pretty much the same, they tell me how stupid, talentless, unworthy, ridiculous, vain, irresponsible I am. It's not true. It feels true, but when I was forced to sit down and look exactly what the thoughts were, what the criticisms were, I was able to defuse them a bit. They fell into categories : Overgeneralization, Tunnel Thinking, Catastophic Thinking, and some others. It's a catalogue that my CBT therapist used. It wasn't easy because all of these thoughts, these fears, FEEL true. But they are distorted, exaggerated, and really just ways of keeping me away from the world and more possible pain.
I write my experiences for two reasons: so you know you're not weighing me or anyone with 'meaningless thoughts' and that you can talk about it, and you really understand that you do not have a unique indestructible disease. You have a lot to deal with, and the way it expresses itself with you is unique, but this is pure ocd garbage and you have the ability to throw it out and move on with your life.
Find a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, get the books I suggested if they sound like they could help, know that you can let the thoughts burn themselves out. It is only only only your reaction to them that can make a difference. Not figuring them out, but saying "it's ok that I had that thought right now. That's more ocd, I don't need to think about this right now." It's not running away or giving up, it's moving on. You will still look at the thoughts, to be sure, but not at the instant they bombard you.
tt
poster:tom_traubert
thread:420388
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041128/msgs/421413.html