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Re: Hypomania for a day Barbaracat

Posted by katia on October 20, 2004, at 15:21:07

In reply to Re: Hypomania for a day katia, posted by Barbaracat on October 20, 2004, at 12:20:00

> Katia,
> Oh good, you found Best Friends! I love their approach, focus on the heart-warming stories of the goodness of these little creatures instead of the horror stories. When I get a mailing from Best Friends, I look forward to opening it knowing I'm not going to be hit in the gut with pictures and stories of trajedy. They always get my money because it feels good to support their work.
>
> Best Friends is doing so much good and passing on this positive activism concept. I frequently ask myself the question 'well, do you want to handle this situation the Best Friends way or the PETA way?' Same intention, different approach. Who are you sponsoring?


**Hey Barb,
a cat named "Nob". i just sent in some minimal amt. of money. I do what I can...like the little grey kitty who hangs out here. It's starting to get cold and rainy out, so I need to do something. Neuter, shots, bed? He sprays if I let him inside. Maybe an outdoor kitty bed with a heating blanket (sheltered from the rain)?

> About tricyclics: I first went on good old Elavil in my 20's, before there were SSRIs. It made me feel zonked. Tried a few others with the same effect. They lifted my depression but I hated the constant dopeyness. I don't know why nortriptyline is different but I get no cognitive side effects at all, just the dry mouth and constipation. But so far the lowest dose 25mg along with St. John's and lithium has elevated things nicely, although I'm still dealing with panic attacks now and then.

**Yes, panic attacks are the worst! very scary indeed. That's why I went on Paxil months ago b/c they were starting to creep in. They happen for me when there is that hysterical place of no sleep and stress. I'm going to get my blood work done tomorrow (electrolytes and blood sugar). And then we'll see if I should stay on all my meds or not. I doubt I'd try anything new like Nort. tricyclics may not work for me like you. We seem to not have similar experiences with meds.

> Panic disorder is the bane of my life. I'll go through a cycle of feeling suffocated, heart pounding, impending doom and insanity. It's hard to hear my own voice talking myself down. Usually at night when I'm trying to sleep. So, I'll just get up, read, take a benzo and be very good to myself until it passes, knowing that it eventually will. I used to doubt that I'd ever come out of it, 'this time I won't survive it' which escalates the adrenaline. I don't know if it's tied in to my 'bipolar dx' or a separate issue. BTW, tricyclics do not seem to aggravate hypomania the way SSRIs do.

**Good for you for taking care of yourself during these times. It's a scary thing. I think my first panic attack happened for me FULL ON at the age of 15. I didn't know what was happening to me and had to tell my parents. They hadn't a clue what was wrong so my Mom "prayed" and put a statue of Mary near my bed!! Oh well. They offered all they could and knew, bless their souls. The second one happened right after that weeks later and I kept it to myself. It was very frightening..I think it was triggered by pot. I was "experimenting" and it was a Sunday night after a weekend of partying - tired/stressed. Marijuana is something I've never gotten into. i think it's be/c it makes me go into a panic attack rather than relax.
>
> I know about that wild energy. It pushes you, compells you to do something to express it, to show off, to entertain, to 'fix things', like a divine calling to inspire people to get off their duffs and be alive. It feels very alive and buzzing. So many gifted people, artists, actors, authors, etc., are bipolar and when you're hot, you're hot. And when you're not, you're not. Like you said, one day the energy is simply not there anymore and all the projects, all the promises made, all the good intentions, fall by the wayside uncompleted. You feel like a shell of this persona that people people have come to expect.

**Yes, i know this well. The first time I experienced anything this full on was when I was 17 - a senior in high school. It was around Feb. and i convinced my mother that I was going on a school ski trip with another school forty miles away (it was the cool town). Somehow I managed it and she dropped me off at the bus and I got on and made so many friends right away - fit right in. The group leader was a fun man probably in his 30s or 40s and we hit it off (nothing sexual). I had a bad fake I.D. and I convinced him and others we had to go to the ski lodge bar (in Vermont) and live it up. Nothing was going to stop me from going to that bar - I got in with my bad fake ID charming the bouncer and then when we got there, it was dead. People were just sitting around...I immediately jumped on stage and grabbed the mike and dancing convincing everyone in the room to get up and party and dance. By the end of it, people were putting dollar bills in my pockets and the whole room was rocking. That leader said he's never seen anything like it...
In retrospect, IF i am bipolar, that was definitely my first hypomanic/manic experience and it lasted for six months. And then I crashed into a bad and serious depression around Sept/Oct on into the winter until Spring hit. But I never could shake that depression and I never had such a pure euphoric experience that lasted so long with mania/hypo? again after my senior year in high school and that summer. Probably b/c I started collecting too much baggage/dark stuff that I never processed..

> That's where my shame comes in, feeling like a flake afterwards because I can't follow through with commitments I made to others while in this expansive state. I can't call up the funnyness, the creativity, the motivation, and I feel drab.


**that is a tough one. I almost want to hide my giddy charming self until someone knows me well and it's a bonus rather than what makes them like me or fall in love with me and then is disappointed afterwards. It fools people and they are disillusioned and I feel shame. I've learned the hard way about this. I literally and metaphorically do not let my hair down right away anymore. (I do have great hair by the way...:-) I'm more reserved.

> What are the people like you spend most of your time with, like your friends, or at the restaurant? Is it an environment that supports the quiet introspective and sensitive Katia as well? Do you feel like you can be yourself, whoever that might be at the time? I personally think that waitressing is a great job for bipolars. You can be so many things. Just as long as you have the option to go and hide on the off no-energy days.

**Apart from a few people at work, it's toxic and unhealthy and it sucks my soul dry. I don't like it.
My friends are great and supportive of me and have seen all sides.

take care!
Katia



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