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Re:dogs and Clomipramine/Calmiclam

Posted by headachequeen on October 11, 2004, at 13:53:28

In reply to Re:dogs and Clomipramine/Calmiclam » Larry Hoover, posted by stressed on October 11, 2004, at 13:31:44

> I agree with Kat, PLEASE enter our discussion. We're all here to help one another, and heavens knows several people on here keep me going.


Oh, Stressed, you were meant to be here ... and I don't know whether to add a smile, a bitter grin or simply to frown...
as I mentioned earlier I breed dogs... I show them, I train them for other people, actually I train people to better work with their dogs and to understand them; I do agility and tracking with my dogs, and I simply enjoy life because my dogs are in it.
To anyone observing me from moment to moment or day to day I am the most self-controlled strong-willed assertive whatever individual ever.. and that could not be further from the truth...
I never do anything unless I can do it better than anyone else... if there is a possibility that I can not do it well or will look foolish or be laughed at, forget it. I will not risk it. I cannot stand to fail... or even appear to fail, even in my own mind.
My psychologist was amazed and thrilled to bits when my husband talked me into trying to learn to shoot pool.. even more excited when I decided I liked the game... this is something at which I am not the best... and when I am in a cycle of depression or seizures I am not even close to being the worst, but still it is an obsession.
He saw this as a huge break-through for me and thought this was such a major step forward...
having to be the best at whatever I do is such an obsession...
if I can't be the best I do not do it... and that is that. As a result people see only the strong side of me. they do not see the weak parts ... of which there are so many... you people see the weak parts all the time and help to shore up the weaknesses so often...
if only you knew how often..
but that would be to let someone know that I am not the strong successful person I pretend to be...
in this place I have learned more about allowing myself to learn than I have learned from my shrink...
so Lar, we do need your input... we need everyone's input.. it is how we grow...
and you will be surprised how you grow too... trust me... I figured it out...

as for losing a dog, Stressed... oh it is hard...
and no one knows that more than I...
I am a trained singer... one of those things I do better than most people <GGG>
when my favourite 'kid' died two years, three months, eight days, fifteen hours and 46 minutes ago, it was more than I could bear.
The strain on my emotions was disastrous... I had a breakdown and ended up under a psychiatrist's care in a hospital for a month... worse, the stress on my vocal cords is still requiring treatment...

things are improving... I cry for him only a couple of times a week now... although when I am leaving the orthopaedist's office I still expect to see him walking up the drive to meet me...
not sure when I will remember that he is not going to be there excited to have found me...
happy to greet me and show me how clever he is to have tracked me from home and show my husband that he was able to find me...
when that time comes then it will be time for one of the others to come and meet me... but that time has not yet come...
I play with and work with the others and I love them more than life... but while they are loved equally, he was more equal than others...
and that was when the really heavy duty anti-depressants entered my life...
and when I discovered, thanks to the shrinks, the memories of childhood trauma that I had buried, and now I have to come to terms with all that...
life is so much fun...
but at least I know why I have eating disorders...
it is just a matter of overcoming them....

and people here seem to help a lot
kat


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poster:headachequeen thread:5053
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20041007/msgs/401646.html