Posted by robot on August 9, 2004, at 22:43:40
I guess I just need some encouragement. Ive been on medication for about 5 months now, and Ive been recovering somewhat. Im hitting another hard part now though.
It was probably about 6 years ago that signs of real depression started to show. I sudenly found that often I wouldnt be able to enjoy anything--music, movies, reading. writing, whatever. Often I thought it was just a phase, that I need to get into new things and new friends. It only got worse in the subsequent years, though, until just about everyting became a constant effort.
There's nothong much worse than perpetually watching yourself not enjoying things. In the last 2 years I developed this speech problem, related to anxiety i guess, where its been intensely difficult to pronounce words naturally and correctly, when usually I am a fine speaker.
I totally lost any feeling of self. I wasnt able to think straight, everything was fuzzy.
Nothing I used to love is meaningful now to me. I can hardly remember what its like to really enjoy the lift of music, or the joy of working on a creative project I can see through to the end.
I just cant see these things ever coming back. half a year on medication, and still this lack of enjoyment, the speaking problem that keeps me away from people, not to mention lack of libido, persists.
A few years ago I experienced what could only be called semi-manic episodes, when I had periods of euphoria and ecstatic well-being. This serves to further confuse me. I have no idea what I am trying to get to now, I have no concept of what I need to feel. It seems that if I never feel that good again, life isnt worth living--even if this so-called depression lifts enough to become bearable. I feel that the euphoric periods have ruined me in some way. Can I ever be satisfied with anything less now?
And can I ever even get near that great place again?
The depression and the subsequent treatment has made my concept of self forever changed. I cant ever trust in the goodness of things again--I know now its all chemicals in my head. Before I could get excited about things, I thought they were good things in a generally good universe. how can ever I think that now, even If I feel better? It seems to me to take the motivation out of everything. Its like to be motivated and joyful you have to take things for granted, without thinking about them--and this is what depression takes away from you. You realized that the universe is not benevolent; what universe steals 7 years of your finite life away? I will never say "it was all worth it," because it wasnt, and saying so does a disservice to the very real suffering my past self has felt. Taking away the most basic goodnesses of life, the only things that make it all worth it, is a kind of death. many of us on this forum have died in this sense.
The cosmos plays such silly tricks on us.
sorry for the long entry, guys. i guess i just had to get it out of my system.