Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 9, 2004, at 8:29:47
I've had two meltdowns in as many weeks. Out of the blue and (as far as I can see) without cause. The most recent one was the worst, and frighteningly reminiscent of what I felt back during the last few days before I (I hate using this phrase) "attempted suicide".
I'm not going there again. I'm not. So I called my pdoc and he got me in yesterday and we focused a lot on symptoms and reactions. I told him about the things going on, and my girlfriend went with me and she clarified a few things (her observations were very helpful, she saw things that I did not).
Making a long story short, here's the result of that visit:
I'm up to 20mg Lexapro (morning dose, all at one) and I started that yesterday. I'm also slacking way back on caffeine (no more coffee) and I'm taking an Ambien around 8:30pm each night for the rest of this week to make sure I sleep (even if I don't want to). We discussed changing meds for about .0387 seconds. I told him there was no way I was changing meds again until every other possible option was explored. The hell I went through getting used to this stuff is not something I'm going to brush off... and when it worked, it worked well.
The Lexapro increase is for two weeks and then I have another appt for an evaluation. If I'm not feeling any better or things are getting worse, my pdoc is going to change my dose of Lexapro again and add a mood stabilizer to the mix (probably lithium, he said).
His concern here is that he doesn't know which way this is going. He said a lot of things I didn't really catch but my girlfriend did, if she was here I'd have her tell you. He said something about not knowing if I don't have enough anti-depressant or too much, or not enough anti-anxiety or too much. If it's not enough, the increase in the Lexapro should square that away. If it makes things worse, we'll drop back to 10mg and add a stabilizer.
So I started my 20mg yesterday, and today is my first day back at work since last Friday. I really do not want to be here. I'm having a very hard time concentrating, I jump every time my phone rings, I have the lights off in my cube and I really want to crawl under the desk and hide... at the very least wear sunglasses.
I called my T (my pdoc said to call her) and I've let my co-workers and my boss know what's going on. Not in detail, but they know I'm not doing well and that I really want to stay here and I really want to tough my way through this, so they are cutting me some slack. I'm still responsible for my workload, but I won't be taking on any "special projects" today.
The most frustrating thing about this is that I actually let myself believe that things were better, and that I had found my way out of the fog and could focus on being Scott again. I don't like being like this and I know I'm doing everything I can to STOP being like this, but it's not enough lately.
Maybe I just need a vacation.
-Scott
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:355039
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040608/msgs/355039.html