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withdrawal. *severe use of F-word* plz read, reply

Posted by Soraheart on May 30, 2004, at 1:42:54

Hi. I've been on numerous anti-depressants for about a year (though it seems so much longer). First, when I was "diagnosed with depression" a year ago in April (or march) they put me on Lexapro and Prozac. It didnae help. I had been on Xanax since freshman highschool year (2000), and am still on. I got switched from Lexapro to Zyprexa and still Prozac. They took me off those, and I was on Mirtazapine (remeron) and buspirone (buspar). Since then, they put me on increasing amounts of Effexor, Buspar, Remeron, and of course, delicious, mind-soothing, nerve-dulling, sweat-reducing XANAX (alprazolam). Well mates, its been quite a while. I fucking hate these drugs, I fucking hate my head, I fucking hate my life. I graduated on fri. may 28th, so I am now an 18 year old american citizen to fend for himself. Fuckin pigs everywhere, keepin a fuckin eye on you all the time. I been everywhere I could possibly take my psyche. Paired with an intense moral-fiber, I was once a very torn-apart boy looking for some fucking relief. I stole road signs, cut my arms, drank my own blood, shoplifted over $300 worth of shit (video games, comic books), as well as stealing massive amounts of Dramamine and robitussin from local supermarkets. There was even a thing on the news about the rising crime in dramamine and "robo", how this was a problem in the past. And they didnae even know it was just me and my friend Dave. Just two of us, stealing shitloads of drugs from markets. and they didnae even know. Since then, I had numerous mental breakdowns, and I realized "I'm too fucking old for this shite" and that these drugs were keeping me secluded in my dark basement area, where Dave and I would drink large amounts of alcohol to drown our "heavy" problems. I'm so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself. But, I have a problem: I'm fucking depressed. God oh God how I wish I wasn't this way. the reason of this post is, I sometimes forget to take my medicine (it's like a million pills in the morning, and then in the evening) and sometimes I stay up all night. Fatigue+absence of drug in system= very scared, sweaty but freezing, screaming and crying, skin crawling, head bursting, brain shocking, eye-twitching, and of course the worst, "flapping" sounds in my ears, boy. When I don't have those drugs in my system....
I am bloody-well fucked.
Even right now, my head is GAAAAAAAHHHHHH I can't take it you know? I stayed up all night with my girlfriend, and I drove home at 6, took my medicine, and passed out until 3 pm, got up, took my next set of pills, and felt like shite rest of the day. Pills don;'t even help. Maybe I need sleep. I haven't drunk in months, and tonight I realized I needed to get drunk off of my ass and pass out on the floor cauze if I didn't, I'd end up hurting myself incredibly bad. Don't know why.
When I don't have these drugs. I get very cold, so fuckin cold, even when I have mounds of clothes on.. The chills, you know? I sweat like crazy but I'm freezin. My nerves, some of them go numb, some of them hurt, some are trying to get the hell out of my skin. I can't close my eyes cause a million random images started flashing through. I can't focus on anything too long because then my head starts screaming, and the worst part, oh God, is the sounds. I just start crying and screaming and yelling for mercy you know? I hear "flapping", like my brain is flucuating, any constant sound drives me insane, completely fucking bonkers. Taking a shower this morning I was scared shiteless, screaming and crying like a little boy again. I didn't know what to do. It's like every thing in my head is fucking pounding and laughing and screeching and fucked up so bad I can't do anything but yell and cry and swear and take XANAX and drink massive amounts of Water, yeah, thats right, water. that soothes me, puts me down for a few. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to take drugs, I don't want to drink, I don't want to bleed, I don't want to live, I don't want to cry, I don't want to love, but I do anyway, you know? I attribute nothing but good things to my severely lacking, but altogether firm belief in Christ, and that He'll someday fix my body. But he won't, I know. Scars, ruptured finger tendon (weeks ago, I was at a friend's, didn't sleep, didn't take my medicine till late, and went home with the idea of sleeping, well, turns out that the street signs stolen by yours truly and friend Mark were *my* token of shame, and first thing walking in the door my older brother of 11 years [I got three of them, all older, youngest by 7, oldest by 13] cusses me out for being a stupid, irresponsible, immature, cocky, kid, and when I "land my ass in jail", hoo boy, I better not be calling him cause he won't give a fuck. Well brother dearest was lucky I didn't fucking rip his eyes out, because instead of yelling, or hitting him, I went outside and punched a small window pane in my garage [something I had grown very accustomed to doing after hard workdays and school] and this time, ladies and gents, the glass went deep into my left index finger, cut through the tendon, and hit the joint bone. Screaming and crying, bleeding and slobbering all over myself in my kitchen, my parents took me to the er, they stitched me up, now I'm in a cast for 4 more weeks. But I didn't pity myself, no, only people I thought of in that Er was my brother and how I didn't want him feeling guilty, and my friend Kelly who I should confess I love more than masturbation and drugs, but I haven't got the gumption to even fess up to myself [stupid fuck eh?] sorry for that interlude. and for the swear words.) he just won't. Why wont' he? I don't know really. But no one understands. no one knows the horrors my fuycking mind goes through, and the fucking horrible HORRIBLE FUCKIN FEELING OF WITHDRAWAL. GOD i wish someone could say "I know what those flap sounds are, I know what the chills are, the nerves going numb, and your intense need to cry cry cry cry and cry and cry some more until you fall asleep, or pass out, either one. God I feel like crying right now, and I am going to. Don't be afraid to cry, really, it helps, better than cutting, drinking, or hitting yourself to death.
Well maybe some of you know the horror of prescription-drug withdrawal. Can't stand it. I really can't. Oh an I fuckin hate ma parents, and ma family. Only friends now are my shrink, and he ain't that great of a person either. And Kelly and Marc, and Jesse maybe, and maybe JJ, but then again no,. Iam veyr alone, cept for Jesus sitting next to me most of the time. I fuckin hate my job and the stupid doss asshole managers that keep calling me asking when I;'ll be back from my leave (finger injury you know) and they still don;'t have the slightest fucking clue that I am depressed more than anything in the world.
So, I don't know
Maybe someone coukld post a reply, telling me that they knew what the flapping sounds were, and the scary crying and shite. But I gotta go take my medicine right now. And cry and cry in my basement, yearning for Kelly to come and pet my head until I fall asleep like a baby. I'm a pitiful mess. I just hope I can keep living before I really do soemthing stupid. Keep living through this so I can live again, here on earth, someday. But this depression is shite. so are the drugs. fuckin therapists.
pardon the cussing,




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poster:Soraheart thread:352054