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Help me Im Going down again :(

Posted by Pandabear on May 25, 2004, at 18:43:17

Ok, I knew that the good times wouldnt last. I am becoming really down on myself. IM realizing now how low my self esteem is on myself and I just got back my second opinion report from a therapist that I saw in april..and she is agreeing that I have Bipolar 2 with Rapid cycling or with cyclothymia. I agree that Im rapid cycling..i cannot seem to stay in one frame of mind and it is really upsetting to me. I dont understand who I am anymore. I feel like Im such a one around me is going through this and so they dont understand but Im really starting to become depressed.

Last night, I tried to make myself throw up which was a first for me. I hadnt been feeling good all day and when I had eaten my dinner, I wanted to see if I could throw up because I thought i would feel better. I didnt stick my finger down my throat but I did gag and that scared me. I was so irritated with myself for trying to do that. I have also started to drink more that I have in a long time and even though Im not supposed to drink while on my medicine, it relaxes me. IM NOT an alcoholic, but I am now drinking like once or twice a week...which is more than i have had since I was in college in 2000...PLUS, tell me what you think this means...if anything...

I have had these serious de ja vous where I vision something in my mind, something that I remember and it makes me so sick. My mouth waters and I get hot and sweaty and I think that Im going to throw up and then, I have to lay down. This happened a couple of years ago while i was eating dinner with my family and I had to run out of the room and go lay down. The weird thing was that it happened 3 times that night. Im mentioning this because even though it happened a couple of years ago..i just the other day had a vision again and it made me sick...I think that was what led me to try and throw up because the vision was making me sick...Im just really freaked out by this. It might be nothing but has anyone ever experienced what Im talking about? I havent mentioned this to my therpist because it hasnt been an issue ...but along with talking about my self esteem ...i might need to bring this up to her. I REALLY DONT WANT TO TELL HER that I tried to make myself sick. I dont have an eating was just something I did..but what possesed me to do it..i dont know.

I hate the way im feeling right now...thank goodness i took the day off tomorrow...I have an appt with my psychiatrist...i should probably mention some of this to her but I dont want to..i dont know what to do...just this past week I was perfectly fine...Im definately rapid cycling. Dont you think that my docs will get annoyed that im fine one day and messed up the next...? this is really odd for me. I feel like they will think im just making things up just to get attention...(see im paranoid too)...what else can be wrong with me...I hate myself right now...:( I dont want this to happen to me .. I hate this I hate feeling that I have no control over what is going on in my trying so hard to take care of myself and yet I have no choice over wether or not im happy or sad. Do you think this means I should increase my dose of lamictal??? Im only taking 100 mgs...I dont know..I just wish I could be happy again..Im so depressed. The other thing that is annoying for me is that NO ONE KNOWS how im truly feeling inside...and if I were to mention that I feel this way to my dad after he has seen me all day long at work just fine..he wouldnt believe me...but it is like something snapped in me tonight and I my thoughts are changing quickly...does this make any sense to anyone? Help me....




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