Posted by St. John on October 25, 2003, at 14:58:36
In reply to Re: Lamictal » St. John, posted by BarbaraCat on October 25, 2003, at 0:19:37
Barbara, thanks for your response. The "truth" of your empathy is profound and touching. I'm glad I found this list.
In response to your questions, the most appropriate round hole my square self has been hammered into is double depression, atypical. Since I was around 11 or 12, I've had cyclic major depression in a context of persistent dysthymia. I wake up feeling the best I'll feel and then as the day wears on, I become more depressed. I have terrific trouble concentrating, my sleep disruption results in too little instead of too much sleep, I retreat within myself, and while not anhedonic, I am nevertheless hopeless. I've never been hospitalized, but my depression has helped me fail to achieve what might have been called a somewhat promising future in my profession. i can do my work, but in fits and starts, and the good things I've done have been under survival pressure. I'm isolated and while people seem to like me, I don't form very enduring relationships. I've been married twice, once just out of college when I feared I'd be alone for the rest of my life (and in midst of a 3 year interval of major depression), and then again later in a relationship that lasted for about 18 years. My life is chaotic in the extreme and I live "successively" instead of "serially." I am an addictive personality. And overall, I view myself through the lens of what Calvin Trillin called in his friend Denny an "imposter syndrome." My response to AD's, MAOI, Tricyclics, SSRIs, Anticonfulsants, and the satanic ECT is essentially nil. Most drugs I've tried, if I didn't have acute side effects, have been pushed to their limits and combinations and adjutants have been part of the regimine. 18 months ago, after a year of Effexor virtually at its toxic limit, I took myself off medications and have enjoyed the clearing of the fog, but I remain citizen of the world of utter despair. I'd rather be deeply sad than fat and foggy, but I'd really rather not be sad, so I find myself thinking about Lomictal. I'm really glad you folks are out there.