Posted by helenag on October 19, 2003, at 13:15:53
Am wondering what any of you have to say about what happened with me this past spring/summer. First off, I was hospitalized five times...it was medication roulette of sorts and a pdoc who couldn't figure out what was going on except he was sure that I was an alcoholic (I am) and that was clouding the case.
I have a history of depression/anxiety and was on effexor xr 225mg and over the months preceeding the hospital, was on zyprexa, buspar, then depakote. I couldn't tolerate depakote; gave me stomach aches, made my hair come out and never did much for me. Zyprexa seemed to help, but it knocked me for a loop. As spring approached I was only on depakote and effexor and started having panic attacks. I was only drinking sporadically and never more than 2 drinks a day and never every day. I was a nervous wreck, ready to jump out of my skin. One weekend, the on-call doctor gave me some ativan to help with the panic attacks. It did help, but I had waited too long. I wound up in the hospital, a mess of anxiety,suicidal from not being able to stand being in that mind state.
My pdoc upped my depakote, added respiradol in a tiny amount. Three weeks later, I was back in the hospital again. Same story. This time, he took me off the depakote and put me on geodon. I went home and became a manic woman on the geodon.I was on 80mg. Cleaned my basement out, shopped, never slept, talked a blue streak, couldn't sit still, etc...finally I started hearing voices and called the doctor, he said stop the geodon (my effexor was at 150mg at this point) and up the effexor. Well, after stopping the geodon, I crashed. I became so suicidal and depressed that I went right back to the hospital.
Upon discharge, I was on respiradol 1mg a day, effexor xr 225mg a day, and topamax. He started me on a small dose of topamax 25mg, then increase to 50mg a day. then, no follow up because he was going to have surgery himself and be out of the loop for four weeks. I was to follow up after his return. He told me the topamax would help with alcohol cravings as well and he wanted the alcohol thing taken care as it was opinion that any drinking on my part was making my mood disorders worse and harder to treat. I tried telling him that I wasn't drinking very much at all, but he wouldn't hear it. Infact, one admission he had my blood alcohol taken. It was zero.
By this time, I was quite forlorn as I wasn't feeling any better. I was still so anxious and having panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety that when a friend offerred me his xanax RX, I took it. And took it. Wound up in the ER getting my stomach pumped, wound up in the psych ward for 24 hours. My pdoc was out, of course. My husband told the pdoc covering for him that my topamax dose had never been titrated up to therapuetic levels. With that taken care of, I was discharged.
When I did go for the follow up and my pdoc was back, he told me that if I didn't go for treatment, he wouldn't see me anymore. I did go.
Topamax 200mg a day has been a great help in mood stablization for me. The effexor ER is at 300mg a day.
During two of those hospital stays, I cut my wrists. There was more going on than just a refusal to accept being an alcoholic, as my pdoc was telling me. He also told me I was afraid of my feelings without using a substance to control them. In some part, he was right. But what was going on with me was way and above substance abuse...I was a mess, and sometimes I wonder if all the medication manipulation, especially the geodon, made things worse.
My diagnosis is GAD/major depression/recurrent and dual diagnosis. Oh, one time, my pdoc told me that I hate myself, hate my life, and hate the fact that I'm an alcoholic. He's been pretty tough on me through the past months.
I'm grateful for the peace I feel now. Looking back, however, I often wonder how the pieces fit together.
Any feedback???
poster:helenag
thread:270850
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031015/msgs/270850.html