Posted by BarbaraCat on September 14, 2003, at 3:35:11
In reply to Transporting Arvo Part » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on September 13, 2003, at 19:48:01
Ignoring you? Upset with you? Silly wench! Of course not - you is my Sis, my ally and who else would know what the heck a glass of D is? I came to the conclusion that I'm not going to be a succesful abstainer and so have made a compromise. I will allow myself to enjoy, enjoy being the operative word and not glut myself on, a nice drink or two on the weekend. Not wine, unless I'm with other people sitting around a dinner table where I'm in the public eye so I can only have a glass or two and not the whole bottle. There's something about wine that is very dangerous for me. The other stuff I can take or leave, but it makes social occasions definitely more festive and relaxed. So there I am with that one and it feels fine.
Glad you had a therapeutic beach adventure with the help of the D-ster. I will definitely check out Arvo Part. I've made a note to myself. What kind of music is it?
Hope you're feeling on more stable ground. It's so hard to know what's real when the chemistry is so sensitive. When I'm feeling bad I just KNOW that no one really likes me, that I have no true friends, my family connections are gone, I'm married to a dolt, I'll end up a sick failure out on the streets covered with pustules, I'm ugly and sloppy and no matter how often I bathe I still stink and am humiliated that other people are surely thinking 'ick, she stinks'. All this becomes very real and tormenting. I see the evidence everywhere. I walk into rooms and just KNOW that they've been talking and laughing about me because I FEEL it so strongly. It hurts terribly how mean and petty and uncaring everyone is just when I really need some TLC, but I can't blame them because they're right, I really am a substandard sneaky little failure.
But that's just my sickness talking. When I've come down or up to a normal place, my thoughts clear and I'm aware of the many resources I really do have. Things are no longer so fragmented and I can pull together the pieces and see the whole picture better. I can even see the higher picture and how it might all fit into the whole. I also have better energy when I'm not sick so figuring these things out isn't so exhausting and things seems so much easier to deal with.
Of course, I'd prefer if people thought well of me, but most of the time I don't let their opinions affect me at all (except maybe for the smelly part. I'm pretty compulsive about showering). I figure that if they don't like or approve of me, well, there are a few billion other folks they can hang out with instead. When I'm feeling bad, it's hard to be in my own skin, but when I'm feeling OK, I rather like my own company quite alot. If I start ruminating about the sick old bag lady stuff which EVERYONE seems to run, then I figure that I'm resourceful enough to prevent it or see my way out of it. I take care to spend time with people I really like and since it's no longer of interest to me to win popularity contests, I'm satisfied with the quality and not quantity of my friends. My family can be weird, but so is everybody's. My husband is my best buddy even though he can be a world class ass. In short, the same situations look soooo different depending on where I'm at in my mental health. What's becoming clear is that everyone is preoccupied with their own stuff and has too little time energy or interest to spend it on putting me down or taking care of me for very long. There were so many years of hell, but I have to admit that there are more good times now than bad and I'm beginning to trust in them more and believe that it's my time finally to come to peace with my self and my life. The skids are less frequent and less intense and I'm over them more quickly. Trust is a big issue with me and probably with most of us. That's why we're depressed. We don't trust we'll ever be better and that's scary.
You're on a rollercoaster right now with all the adjustments your body and brain are going through. These meds are powerful. It's very frustrating and frightening not to know if you're on the right track with them and if you can really trust anyone to know what you need. It may take longer than you'd like, maybe not, but eventually you'll settle in with a good fit. I know you won't give up until you do.
I think that most of the anguish we put ourselves through is about worrying about what might happen, fantasizing the worst and not even noticing that the present moment is usually OK, even though it might feel rocky and uncomfortable. But the discomfort is usually caused by worry about the what ifs. Have you read "The Power of Now" by Eckhard Tolle? It's probably been the most helpful and powerful book/philosophy for me throughout this whole thing. It's alerted me to my morbid worry obsession which has completely kept me from living and enjoying my life as it is right now, no matter what.
For me, it's the fear that the discomfort will always be there, that it will get better for a while then I'll be back in the pits again and I won't be able to stand it. I project terrible circumstances where I just give up because it's too much and life becomes a living hell. That's just the illness talking, saying that I won't be able to take the pain and craziness, I'll shatter and I'll be abandoned. But it's not real and it becomes easier to recognize that scared voice that's become a habit. That's easy to say from the vantage point of feeling better, but even in the worst of times I've always been able to handle it or found some help. My survival instinct is intact enough to know that I can trust myself to help myself or get help. Sometimes life is hell and other times it's an adventure where I feel like, shoot, I'm up for the ride - bring it on! Most of the times it's just usual stuff, sometimes a little boring even, but not always the pain and suffering like it appears when I'm sick. One thing that "The Power of Now" changed for me is that I now truly know that whatever arises in the future, I'll deal with it, so not to waste time worrying about it and miss out on the here and now.
Your cycles will even out. It may feel terrible at times and you wonder if you can stand it another minute. But you always do, as evidenced by the fact that here you are, bruises and all. Remember your Witness at times like that. Maybe you're not on the right meds, but you'll perservere until you are because you're dedicated to this search with everything you've got. nYou sure helped me get in touch with some old deep issues that I wasn't aware of, so your pain isn't there only to senselessly torment you. It's also serving the greater good and you just have to trust the process. If we all just trusted the process and our own inner wisdom things would go much more smoothly on this long strange trip we're on - but then we wouldn't be mood disordered, we'd be great sages who have reached inner serenity.
And yes, I made up the Typing Monkey thing. There was a pile of washed clothes to be folded and put away, but telling the tale of how monkeys came to type seemed so much more important than mundane laundry. Love ya, Barbara