Posted by katia on September 12, 2003, at 14:59:01
In reply to Thanks, friend » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on September 12, 2003, at 13:39:39
Thanks for your long post! If we get re-directed somewhere, let's just follow it.
>>What I was getting from your posts, especially when you were feeling really down and in need, was that you weren't being heard and weren't getting the help that you needed and that you were in alot of pain.
You got it right, but maybe not to the extent in your previous post. (I'll write more of this below)
>>I've come to like you very much and care about you
>>Most of ALL our crap is projection one way or the other.
I agree and it's not easy to sort out what's what sometimes. You actually pushed one of my buttons that didn't have to do with you in your last post. I feel very very stuck right now and I'm trying to have patience knowing this is a slow process. I feel like i have tried my hardest to get the best help and it's dawning on me that maybe I'm not getting the best help. My hands feel tied, I'm frustrated and exhausted.
I'm going thru' a lot too in regards to days when the medication actually seems to work, that's scary too because I'm left looking at the rubble from the fallout with no real life - no career, no boyfriend, no REAL social life. Those are actually scarier days for me now! I've been reading "Bipolar Survival Guide". it doesn't mention anything about this period of finally getting well. It asks to check what traits we think are our "personality" and what traits we feel are manic/depressive, I don't know WHO I am. I feel like I'm ten years old again and have to redevelop into a totally new person. A person I might have been if I hadn't endured all these mood swings for so many years. I look back and all I remember was either a tornado in my head or agonizing molasses.
I feel stuck because I want to make a move (step out into life) b/c I've had two good days, but then I fall down again and realize I'm not ready. So this is an agonzing process that I'm enduring more or less alone. (apart from a couple of good friends - who as you say, still can't get the extent of the suffering and pain of my experience).
All that crap with the pdoc - crush, poem, etc. doesn't and DOES have to do with him. I'm trying to work that one out in therapy (my therapist is a woman - thank god). I think I was slightly disappointed with him and with the amount he charges (is not equivalent to the service) so to distract myself from feeling like I am yet again in a frustrating and financially draining situation, I think subconsciously I made up this crush. and it worked. But you actually woke me up yesterday with that post to feelings I was already feeling; like disappointment with him. And it really feels like I should just stay with him because how much of that disappointment is based on my own idealization of him? So I'm trying to work out what's what. ANY Pdoc can only do so much.
My take is that he doesn't have time to get caught up in the discussions about transference or anything other than medications and symptoms. and that makes me feel unseen and unheard - I think part of it is my issues and not necessarily a reflection about his services. (I had to wait two months to get into to see him - hes' overworked I think). and I pay out of pocket, he's not part of an HMO.
But on top of already what's mine, I think are valid concerns I have are, I suggest treatment plans. I mentioned that Lithium has been studied to anti-aging effects on the brain. he hadn't heard of that. he hadn't heard of Li. Orotate, but yet was willing to try me as a guniea pig. that didn't feel good to hear yesterday.
So Barb, you stirred up my stuff too! but that's ok, I needed to wake up to what I was really feeling. But even that changes per minute! I don't know what is real or what is my ever changing perception.
> I drank almost every night since the first 'fall' a few nights ago, thinking I could control it, moderate it. I beat myself up, of course, but could not prevent myself from buying those bottles.
Do you mean, you've drunk every night since Labor day w-end when we both had a big night?
If so, don't beat yourself up!!!! The last thing your poor body and soul needs is guilt on top of that. And I'm sure you know all about guilt! I grew up Catholic too!
>>I'm lately finding it important to share some of my story.
I'm glad you did share some of it. I'm open to hearing more of it. and I too, can relate to that feeling of having no where to go for safety. I think that's what my "crush" was about. It made it safe. I didn't have to feel frustation and so forth with him. I too have experienced that frantic panic of no where to run.
It ain't easy being human!
Keep writing Barb!