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Aversions run deep BarbaraCat

Posted by katia on September 1, 2003, at 17:03:33

In reply to Re: Alcohol Sucks! katia, posted by BarbaraCat on September 1, 2003, at 16:29:59

Hi Barb,
I think my aversion comes from years of trying to put on a face and hide this "wacky/crazy" part of me. I know it's crazy, b/c he's a psychiatrist!!!!! But the aversion has a mind of its own. I"m just standing by watching on one level. I always downplay what I feel b/c I forget when I get into his formal office and have to report on symptoms, and I don't want to "overreact", when in reality it's reality - no overreaction. my reaction/aversion is actually surprising me and showing me a lot about how I work. I don't show myself, I don't show myself, I hide, play roles, and then WHAM! I gush and spill over and scream to be seen for who I am damnit! I want to show me and be understood - it's often a waterfall of showing who I am rather than a gradually process. And I have an inkling this is what was going on last night with my letter writing.

Also, as I said above, I'm so accumstomed to even self-denial and hiding of this - this - oh, moodiness? that even when called to show up it's having a hard time coming out. ONly family and boyfriends and some close friends have really seen all sides of me and get just how much I go thru'. And more than one, no make that more than two, boyfriends have said that I'm too much for them to handle. So I get frightened and pull back inside.
It's interesting how it's playing out with my pdoc. I think he'll get the hint now that he's going to witness me in "action" tomorrow morning when he comes in and retrieves his messages.

And the crush i had on him is not really a crush. It's just me playing fantasy games as usual. So I'm not sure if that is part of it.
thanks for asking.
and BTW, even when you're hungover, you're hysterical (as in funny - ha ha)!
Katia


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