Posted by BarbaraCat on August 29, 2003, at 14:12:52
In reply to Hysteria in Tsunami! » fluffy, posted by katia on August 29, 2003, at 1:01:02
If you were feeling waaaaay up and nasty, you'd be surfing that tsunami like a bronco. But you're not, you're tired and heartbroken and you've been under such a seige. This stuff is so hard on the body and soul. It's like a thought or a body feeling starts somewhere and then this toxic chemistry takes over and spins it into this tornado (or tsunami - wonderful analogy!).
First of all, what you're in sounds like a mixed state, pure and simple. If you can trace the beginning of it to taking Depakote, well then, seems pretty clear to me. It might be destabilizing you. Who the hell knows why since it's supposed to be doing the opposite. But we BP's are such delicate creatures with crossed wires all over the place. In reading over your posts, dear Katia, it's my observation that there's a chemical fire going on in your brain, and it's a very recent one.
There have been a few posts on here that say that Zyprexa will cut the shit you're going through in 30 minutes or so. Not to be taken daily or anything, just when these waves of zsdk%%!##^f!!! engulf you. I don't know what your insurance situation is, but you know that you've got to get some help about all this, and soon. You've been suffering like this too long, Katia. Ultra rapid cycling. Something ain't right with you med combo. I'd be pounding on someone's door and insisting on help, real honest to God HELP – right now!! I'm not telling you anything you don't know, this is just my observation as a concerned buddy whose been there way too many times. Taking 1 or 2 benzos helped during the worst of it, but ultimately it turned out to be the other meds I was taking and the FEAR that took over that has it's own life. I thought it was panic attacks, but have come to recognize it as mixed states (same thing as panic, I suppose). I can't encourage you enough to NOT DRINK during this time and get yourself some righteous benzos.
Right now, you're in that maelstrom, holding on. It's hard to see anything outside that whirling black energy because it takes over and you're engulfed in it. But you know that there is life outside that hellish place. There's also your wise and calm self, that strong and beautiful blessed being who is You and who lovingly looks upon and holds everything with compassion and calmness. I know you have spiritual practice, but if you're anything like me, it goes out the window when I'm in terror, so here's a reminder and something that works for me.
If you can ask yourself the question 'Who is it that's having this experience of terror, fear, etc.', then you can begin to separate yourself from the experience itself and the frightened one having it, and realize that there is Someone/Something observing and asking that question. That Someone is the You who witnesses all without judging, who is not tossed about by anything, who is connected to Source and always, always is there - for it is You. When we're in the loud blaring static of our pain, it's hard to feel that connection, but it's there and it's where healing and the wisdom of knowing what's best for you resides. If you can grok that there is a consciousness separate from your pain who is watching and asking that question and then move back just one step into the safe presence of that calm being, you've moved out of the hurricane and into it's calm eye. You can then step back just one more step to observe what your Witness sees, and perhaps merge with it, to view the whirlwind of your mind from a place of centered compassion and out of the spin cycle. You can safely rest in that unflappable presence, and just watch, removed from the immediate terror of it. There truly is safety there, if I could only convince you of this now when you probably don't trust that anything will help. The worst of it hits when fear takes over and fear is mindless emotion that feeds on itself.
The idea behind this practice is to reach a place that has no spinning emotion but is able to observe dispassionately and yet compassionately. This place of quiet observation will also enable you to take good care of yourself, tell you when to use the turn blinker in the car, make that phone call, pay that bill, etc – be mindful. This practice of dissociating from the wobbles (bobbles?) of the spin cycle and taking refuge in the calm unchanging centerpoint stops that fear spin in its tracks. Simply by asking 'who is it that's having this experience?' and then identifying with the asker. You'll also find yourself wondering Who it is that's having the experience. The experience is not You and the frightened experiencer is also not You. You are something much bigger, and awsome, and not afraid of anything. Remembering this can help get you through the bad times. We need to get our meds straightened out, but they can't do it all for us. I've found this to be a worthy practice to cultivate for all the time (when I can remember to do it).
I don't know if you pray, or who you pray to, but if you don't have a Diety or anything like that, praying to Life to help you to withstand and understand it's many lessons helps. Hang in there and God go with you, dear friend. And lose that feeling of no friends, no one likes you, etc. That's just your fearful mind talking, not real, and the least of what you need to concentrate on right now. Just call out, your Babble-Buddies will be there for you. Aren't you glad you have friends who know what the f**ck you're going through (and love you all the more because you know what the f**ck we go through)? - Barbara