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Re: SSRIs - Social Anxiety vs Existential Angst? Alara

Posted by bluedog on February 24, 2003, at 22:00:10

In reply to SSRIs - Social Anxiety vs Existential Angst?, posted by Alara on February 24, 2003, at 5:32:44

> Sensitivity is the core of who I really am.
> Sometimes I wonder if I sold my soul to drugs. At other times I wonder if I had any choice at all.

Hello Alara....even though I've never met you personally I reckon your a really gorgeous person. Your sensitivity is what makes you so gorgeous and I have not noticed any less sensitivity in ANY of your posts since you started on your Celexa and Xanax around Christmas time. That is a short time on the meds and I believe that you are still in the therapeutic stage of your recovery and need to be VERY patient to wait for that moment in time when you realise that you are at the maintenance stage of your therapy. You might be able to eventually survive without any meds.

I too "suffer" from being a very sensitive person. As you know my prescription meds are Lovan and Valium....a fairly similar combination to what you are on. I stuggled for a VERY long time with what you are going through at the moment. ie Am I selling my soul to the meds. Well I believe I am finally emerging out through the other side and and now feel like I I am able to embrace life and the beauty in our world again despite all the ugliness that does surround us.

I am now at the stage where after over two years on AD meds I am now on the absolute minimum "maintenance" doses of my meds. NOW for the first time in years I actually feel like ME again. I am still very sensitive. I still get upset, sad and angry when I see documentaries about what us humans are doing to our planet. I cry at the mistreatment of animals at the hands of humans and the destruction and vandalisation of the Amazon and other natural forests and nature areas in the world at the hands of multinational corporations where the only objective is to ensure that the CEO get's his/her multi-million dollar bonus at the end of the year.

The point I'm trying to make is that despite being on meds I still FEEL all the emotions that are the essence of ME. The ONLY difference is that I am now much more resilient and problems in the world and my life don't cause me to spiral into an uncontrollable major depression like I used to. When I was severely depressed I didn't feel any emotions at all and furthermore I was of no use to anyone, to the world or even to myself.

> I am not depressed. I just feel a little sad and reflective tonight. It's not easy to give up a part of yourself just so that you can `exist'.

The fact that you are not depressed but merely a little sad and reflective is a perfectly normal and healthy human reaction. I would start to worry if you are NOT able to feel sad and reflective at times. To me this is an indication that you have NOT given up any part of yourself. Consider it as proof that you are still feeling your sensitivity shine through despite being on the meds!!!

And don't forget the struggle you have had with alcohol. I actually felt worse and not at all like me for the first 3-6 months after having quit alcohol in June last year. But now with each passing week, despite problems I experience in a job I hate and with a director who can't come to grips with the fact that I am recovering from a major depression I feel myself getting stronger with each passing week.

> At times like this I grieve a little and can only hope that the day will come when I can function - just as myself...Meanwhile, I am improving my lifestyle (and hopefully my baseline brain chemistry) but a part of my soul is grieving.

Alara....the only advice I can give you here is to be patient. Look at all the inspirational stories on psychobabble (I would especially refer you to Gracie's story which she posted not so long ago...unfortunately I can't find the link at the moment)

> Can anyone relate?
> I've been keeping this all inside and it's starting to eat away(just a little bit) at my soul.

YES I can relate. DON'T let it eat at your soul.

Oh and by the way (in relation to your question in another thread) despite the fact that I have not had the courage to ask Yoga Girl out yet I do not allow this to affect me to the extent it used to....In the past my sensitivity and feelings of failure as a human being at not asking her out would have sent me into a tail-spin and I would have hit rock bottom almost immediatiately after Yoga class. My lack of courage still upsets me and frustrates me but I am more able to accept that this is also just part of me. Again even though my meds help me they do not isolate me from my emotions. It just took a while to find the right combination and doseages of meds for me personally.

Thinking of you Alara
My warmest regards




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