Posted by rayww on February 12, 2003, at 0:16:15
In reply to Re: BUMMED OUT BIG TIME » not exactly, posted by LAURA777 on February 9, 2003, at 9:22:00
I understand what you are saying about the different layers of depression. From my experience you can have every one of your issues resolved. You can be physically fit, spiritually secure, emotionally cozy, but when it hits, it hits. The psychosis affects all the layers at once. you become spiritually wierd, emotionally warped, physically ill, socially inept. I really don't think you become just spiritually depressed or just emotionally crashed, or physically down.
I was labelled bipolar about three years ago. Before that I thought I just had issues to deal with, so I went from one issue to the next, and as soon as that was resolved, another would surface, until it seemed never ending. There was always another emotional issue to work out, dating back to my father's death, surgery, moving countries, shyness, relationships, at the same time managing a large family and business.
I used various methods of "working" my way into areas of work that needed done, and became the chart master, and I survived all right. I have a chart for every mood possible. But it seemed like the psychosis kept getting worse instead of better, even though my life's issues had eased up.
I was spiritually minded, making sure I scheduled time for daily prayer, scripture study, meditation, and journal writing. I was committed to community service, church service, physical exercise, and family. I have never had a substance addiction, but every time "it" hit me I went psychotic behind the scenes in my mind and would almost betray my family, but I never did.
Each time whatever it was hit me, it was a little worse, and finally my concerned family decided I needed an evaluation. I had two, a spiritual evaluation from my clergy leader, and a medical/mental evaluation from my doctor.
My year of hell was the one spent on medication. I felt emotionally shut down, couldn't get my words out, and yet I had to keep going in the positions I held. I didn't know enough about meds to know how to shop around, and epival and topomax was what I ended up with.
I guess the meds served their purpose because I was able to go off them after about a year. (who watches time any more?) My issues decreased in severity, but still kept surfacing until I tried some nutritional supplements, which seemed to take the edge off and bring me back around to a relatively normal state, if there is such.
Most of what surfaces I let out here on PB (like this right now) and comparing what I write now to how I was writing back then, it is very mild.
I am going on here, and I'm not quite sure if I'm still on topic, but I guess my main point of this was to say, about the layers of depression, my opinion is that even when every layer is problem free, biological depression can still strike for no apparent reason, other than your own mis-perception of what is going on in your life. Like for instance, I am bipolar and rotate around in moods, including sexual ones. When I'm off the sexual swing and my partner is on his, which is very predictable and regular, I can have a nervous break by just thinking about it. If he becomes determined I can feel raped, abused, and worthless, because I absolutely cannot and there is nothing I can do to make him understand I still love him and my love is not expressed by sex. (You can tell I've been there and done that again and again). It would be easy to blame the whole bipolar problem onto sex, and justify it, but in reality I know the problem was the psychosis and the warped perception. Actually, I wish someone could evaluate this and tell me, is it possible for sex to bring on a psychotic reaction and a nervous melt down?