Posted by mattdds on January 3, 2003, at 0:19:12
In reply to Need some help, not sure if anything will help..., posted by Krysti on January 2, 2003, at 23:31:40
Krysti,
While I don't have bipolar, I can relate to what you're feeling. I am sorry you are having a tough time.
Just from an outsider's point of view, it seems just from your post, that you have set some very high goals. You want to make everyone's life better. That is quite ambitious! You mentioned that you want to help people, but that you felt guilty for wanting to do something that would satisfy you personally. I remember feeling that way in some of my lowest points. Remember, however that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and making sure you are happy with how things are going. If doing what I enjoy makes me "selfish", so be it. Perhaps if you set goals that were a bit less ambitious, and rewarded yourself for each little step you took, you would not feel like "you are fighting a losing battle". I am not saying to drop your goals, just to go a little easier on yourself during your lower phases.
You mentioned that trying to make others happy when you are not is hypocrytical. I assure you that this is the depression talking! To me, the fact that you are not happy makes your desire to make others happy all the more noble and altruistic. It is easy to do things when you feel like doing them, but difficult to do them when you don't. So isn't that more admirable? You are not "bad" for being unhappy, and you obviously are striving diligently for it. Though it is nice to be happy, there is no moral imperative that you "should" feel any certain way.
Your worries sound a lot like mine. Have you tried CBT? It helped me a lot to work through feelings of guilt, dread and hopelessness. It is especially helpful for "existential crises", like the one you described. It will not likely help with the manic symptoms, but certainly helps with the depressive ones.
You mentioned that happiness is "not possible" anymore. I felt this way too at one point, exactly like this. It helped me to remind myself that the same neural circuits that gave rise to happiness still existed in me, so the potential was still there. I reminded myself that the belief that I would never get better was a just a depressive delusion, and that belief represented the most common central theme of depression: the delusion of hopelessness. It was indeed a delusion, as I have had many happy periods despite my depressed times. I am glad I stuck it out.
Sorry so rambly. I hope you get feeling better. Hang in there, and take care!
Matt
poster:mattdds
thread:134237
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021230/msgs/134245.html