Posted by youri on December 9, 2002, at 21:51:22
In reply to suicidalness and losing hope, posted by adamie on May 28, 2002, at 15:54:38
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> i have tried over 17 meds including ECT and my life is still such hell with all the mental pain every single day.
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> i recently stopped vivarint since i cant take it. it's not avialable anymore. it's going off the market or something and i need something for long term. although it only helped a bit. it made things more livable but that was it.
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> i tried reboxetine. even on a tiny dose i felt so MUCH WORSE. my head would be burning so much more and just so much more mental pain, harder to live. i felt i had to stop it after just a few days. so then i was on just ativan 3 of the .5mg a day.
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> a huge problem is the mood swings. recetly mornings are the best, then afternoon gets worse, then evening gets SO MUCH worse to the point where i no longer can stand it, then a bit better past midnight, then it gets worse again past 1am. and the last few days I AM HAVING SEVERE INSOMNIA PROBLEMS. after going 3 months with having little sleep problems! my problem would be waking up 5-6 times and having to fall asleep again but at least i could sleep. now the last few days sleeping is SOOOOOO HARD. it's like my mind cant get itself to rest. very little sleep i got last few days. so now i lose my beauty which would upset darcy (lady i hope to live with, i need to do something in my life despite feeling like hell), my eyes all black and just yucki looking. this first day of insomnia (from months of not having much of a problem with it) i was also feeling completely hellish. i was really giving up. i would think more and more about suicide. making plans. what i was going to do. tell people goodbye. and there's a great sure fire method. not that i would mention it. very quick too. the longer i go feeling so horrendous the more i accept that i may have to die. and i learned to accept that dying cant be too bad. there are many things i considered but i will not mention them as in to better convince someone else to die. but this world was so great before i got ill. i love myself and who i am. i dont want to die. it's just something i may have to resort to if i am feeling too horrendous and lose my rationality and ability to see any positives. that is what happens when the severe depression gets strongerrr. along with the anxiety and mental pain with head burning.
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> my mood used to be more stable. it was very bad at times but at least it stayed a bit predictable. i would just feel very very very bad and go my days passing the time, doing small things that would entertain me 1% of my full ability if i were my normal self. now it's like i feel okay for some hours of the day and then it turns to so much pain that i feel like dying. and this makes it all harder to live with darcy. i could be doing things with her some hours and then what am i going to do, bury my head in a pillow and hope for the pain to go away... i want to be able to at least function consistently.
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> my is my mood going up and down all the time. it used to be better by the time i go to sleep and i would be able to sleep but now it's horrendous during even sleep time.
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> i went back on paxil yesterday. i dunno if i felt any first dose effects. such as how i felt with so many meds. prozac after one dose made me extremely suicidal, i would just be in bed shaking, heart pounding, so much mind torture. paxil... no noticable effects. instead i had the severe insomnia and head burning and mental pain that i had the last day. so surely that cant be due to paxil.
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> i am hoping paxil will be a life saver. it worked a bit before a long time ago when i took it but i was no where near remission in the end, i didn't want to settle for a 'slightly' enjoyable life. but u know what, maybe that is the best i can do. so maybe i should settle for that but damn it seems the illness has been getting worse or i dont know what is going on!!! i almost got my family doctor to try me on provigil or some stimulant. he said 'maybe next time, we'll see how paxil goes'. so we will see regarding stims. of course i want to try them.
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> but i may need help for sleep now. immovane only worked a little. i dont want some 'hypnotic'... i want something to make me drowsy so i can sleep. is that so hard for these companies to make? a 100% reliable sleep med? when i was 11 those drowsy claritin tablets put me to sleep. why cant they have something like that in a sleep med.
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> well now i forgot what else i may have wanted to say. i recently discovered the correct number for my ex-fiance. but she just hangs up on me. she doesn't want to talk. before it was so perfect with her and when the illness came around it was at least livable because she was in my life, she was my whole life. she promised everything, not one moment apart from me ever, never leave me, that i am her soulmate... but she just left me in the end. i dont see why she cant just at least TALK TO ME. how can she hurt me so much. she basically left me for dead. what almost pushed me over the edge to attempt to overdose on pills was all the mental pain in addition to what she has done to me. why cant she consider my feelings and just talk to me. before she broke contact we felt the illness would surely go away. but it hasn't and maybe never will. she has no idea i may be DEAD soon or in the far future. i want to talk to her. hopefully someone can call her for me and tell her how i feel? that i just want to talk to her and that it would make all the difference in the world to me? that it would make my life easier? please e-mail me if you want to help me with this adamie18@hotmail.com. she lives in romania.
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> but anyway what the heck is happening to me. my illness keeps changing in terms of severity and in terms of the ups and downs. long time ago the mornings were the worst. i would feel like hell in my first class at school. now i feel better at school and second class is FUN. then evenings turn to HELL. before it was always evenings getting better. what the heck is going on.
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> and does anyone know any connection with the internal head or should i say Brain burning??? it's like my brain is on fire the more severe the depression and mental pain is. does anyone know what i am talking about.
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> i am not suicidal at the moment but that can change very fast sometimes. upp and downnnn. and i just wish someone trully loved me and cared about me. darcy 'loves' me but her kind of love... well she never talks to me. she doesn't even want to spend a moment online with me and if i ask her for something she ignores it all. but i will try to make the best of it. and hopefully she will be happy with me. no one wants a severely mentally ill person like me. even she doesn't. she said she wants me to be healthy enough in order to live with her...
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> often when i am suicidal i have these fantasies, like just wishing dana would see me ONE TIME and let me die in her arms. dying safely in her loving arms, hoping the next life or whatever there is will be well and good. crying in her arms telling her i will always be hers. as i drift away and die. silly thingies.
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> i hope this paxil will work well and soon. days are too hellish. so little sleep too.
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medications aren't the answer, you must find the reason you feel sooo terrible and solvwe it, i know what its like, i've been ready to kill myself many times and it seems every 'medical professional' person wants to give pills. you MUST find someone who will help you without poisoning your brain with new age stimulants.
if you feel up to reading go to your local library and look up "The Anti-depressant Fact Book" by Peter Breggin
poster:youri
thread:107863
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021203/msgs/131178.html