Posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Hi. I've been going through some difficulty trying to get my depression, anxiety, anger, irritation, etc. under control. I've taken medication after medication, first trying to control my depression, then trying to control my social and general anxiety. Finally I have a doctor who asked the right questions, got to know me a bit, and realized I am Bi-polar II. Going through my journals from junior high, high school, college and beyond, it's amazing how clear-cut the cycles are. I had a couple of years where there weren't any real symptoms, but mostly I was either planning to win the Nobel Peace Prize, win a gold medal at the Olympics in swimming, and become editor of the NYTimes, or I was writing about the different ways to kill myself because I was such a dreadful, stupid, boring person.
Anyway, the purpose of this post (yes, there is one) is to ask how people have dealt with getting this disease under control? I'm taking 1000mg of Depakote and 4mg of klonopin a day, since I just started taking the depakote not quite 2 weeks ago, and my pdoc will probably have my go up on the depakote monday. But frrom what I've read here, and based on responses to a previous post of mine, it seems like my mood should be a bit more stabilized. However, I've noticed no effects with the depakote. And after some "episodes" this weekend, I'm pretty sure something is still terribly terribly wrong. I think about killing myself almost constantly, and I did attempt it this morning.
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice? Should I try another drug? I've considered hospitalization, mainly for my safety, because who knows when something is going to set me off and my husband won't be here to stop me? And it's getting more and more difficult to go to work and act like "little-miss-perfect," something I've done my whole life, and I don't feel my work is really up to par anyeay. But I really need my job -- my husband is doing a post-doc and doesn't make a lot of money right now, so my income is crucial. What kind of effect does going to an "institution" have on one's job?
How do other people deal with wanting to commit suicide? What do you do when there's no one around?
So this is probably pretty disjointed, and I apologize for that. Does anyone have any suggestions?