Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

What is going on with me? Long story...

Posted by Francisco on July 14, 2002, at 8:44:10

Hello, I want to share my problems with depression in hopes someone can help me out. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was about 15. Now I am 25 and I still suffer from depression. I had a somewhat traumatic experience in my adolescence due to my family crisis (parents + financial) and I think that started my depression. However I believe, and my parents agree that a lot of it is from genetics. When I was first diagnosed, they tried to put me on prozac but I suffered too much side effects, mostly the jitters and gave up on it within the first week. Thinking back, I was probably given too much dosage and that is what my current doctor thinks too. She thinks one day I should give prozac another try, once we discovered I was super sensitive to meds.

Anyways, although I had hard time in high school due to depression, I was able to get enough studying done and go to a great university. In my college years, I found marijuana and fell in love with it. I eventually started abusing it to get me through when a breakup with a girlfriend caused me to become very depressed. I used the weed to get me through college and it helped me a lot with depression. I know abusing it is bad but I wasn't taking any meds and in college and being high all the time (just about every day for few years), I never really felt my depression was bad enough to seek out more help.

Later in my college years, I started noticing that I have symtoms associated with ADD. I was curious whether I had ADD and my mother suggested I see this brain therapist she knew. Well that doctor told me I do have ADD and that is what is causing depression. Anyways, I was put on some ECG(?) therapy (the brainwave calibration thing) but that didn't seem to help me at all. Anyways, I graduated college and when I found my self unable to find work in my field, I got somewhat depressed again. I was even more unmotivated, lazy, thanks to the weed I was smoking daily to supposedly help me with depression. The dependency to weed was something I wasn't willing to give up because I still think it has helped me with depression so much.

When I told my mother last year that I still have depression, she asked me to see a doctor and told me there are so many new medicines out there for depression now. I went to see the doctor who told me that the ADD was a mis-diagnose and I have dysthymia, and put me on paxil. Paxil helped me feel better but I was getting strong side effects. Even on minimal dosage, my sensitivity to meds caused me daily diarreah, excessive sweating, jitters. I changed to celexa for its weaker side effects and that went ok. I told my doc that the side effects weren't too bad on celexa but she urged me to try Remeron. I noticed remeron is nothing like the SSRI's. It worked great at first and helped me with my decade old insomnia. But I started noticing my mind was getting too affected by the drug. I noticed I was getting too messed up, especially when I combined it with marijuana. In fact, when I first combined it, I was so torn up that I had what I believe was my first panic attack. My vision was totally affected and my visual perception of depth was fading. I got used to this, since I couldn't quit marijuana and actually I started enjoying the different high in the remeron+pot combo. However, during this time, I had two terrible episodes of depression, anxiety, panic both coming after I had partied with the drug ecstasy. I noticed that mixing all these drugs started making me a bit psycotic and trip out for no reason. After going through such low times, now I feel permanently vunlerable to frequent depression, anxiety, and panic. I felt the lows of emotions I never knew existed, and my increased range of emotion, in both extremes is something I am having a hard time handling. I concluded that the depression that followed the usage of ecstasy was not worth it and I decided to never use the drug again.

Well here I am now, I am not taking any meds and I haven't seen my doc for a while. I am seeing a new doc this month though. Last time, when my old doc recommended Remeron, she told me if that doesn't work, its wellbutrin next. Since then, I had those crazy episodes and now I don't know I want to try medications. In retrospect, I think Remeron messed me up for good, while it could have been the ecstasy, or the prolonged use of marijuana, I am leaning more towards Remeron because everything bad started when I started it. Before remeron, I never had serious problems with usage of ecstasy and marijuana, I never knew how a panic attack felt like, I never knew how bad depression can be. I have a sample bottle of WB here at home, but I found out theres a warning that mixing WB and pot can cause psycotic episodes. So I am putting it off for now and contemplating stopping weed for a while so I can try WB.

I feel the need to wake up. I think these meds while helped me with depression initially, totally changed me. While on meds, I stopped caring about things anymore. I felt like my mind is clouded and I seem to zone out frequently, and unresponsive. When my family started to tell me, "Howcome you never talk to us anymore?", I totally realized how true that was. I was rarely talk to my siblings and mother, who care deeply about, and since then have made efforts to change this. While I now want to experience emotions again that were incapacitated by meds, I am scared of the lows of emotions. But I have noticed a somewhat strange change in me. I am scared to be alone. I am too scared because I get more depressed when I am alone where I tend to just go into constant thoughts of depressing things. Before, I used to enjoy my solitude and wanted to be alone a lot. Now, if I'm alone, I think I'll go mad and can't stand it. I want to be with my friends more where before I tried avoiding them a lot. This is really confusing for me. Since wanting to be with friends and going out more is a good normal healthy thing, I feel maybe I am starting to feel normal. On the other hand, I feel these efforts are due to the fact that I am so scared to fall into another scary relapse. My friends provide me so much comfort and I feel so happy to be with them now that it is so unlike me. I was always the one that my friends had to force to come and hang out. It has been two weeks since my last Remeron was taken and I feel like I'm starting to wake up. I don't know if I want to go back to meds, and I have always been scared about dependency to meds. l I am not sure where to go from here. If anyone can provide any insights or help it'd be appreciated. Also I want to hear from people with dysthymia and how they cope with it. I am really sorry about this long post, but I feel better now letting everything out.




Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:Francisco thread:112307