Posted by Blue Cheer 1 on March 7, 2002, at 16:37:31
In reply to Severe decrease in cognitive function, posted by CJ Young on March 7, 2002, at 14:26:53
> I'm on 50mg Seroquel, 400 Wellbutrin, 300 Effexor, 60mg thyroid
> and xanax (.25mg) to help me sleep. I had seizures as a child and
> recently had another one which I chalked up to accidental overdose of the above
> drugs due to time-zone changes while traveling to asia.
>
> My problem is this--I am in a PhD program in literature and faced with
> what seems to be my inevitable departure from the profession. I cannot
> think properly, my memory is astonishly deficient--the hundreds of books I have
> read are no longer accessible to me in my mind. It is heartbreaking to
> pick up a book and have no memory of having read any of it. Marginalia
> appear foreign.
>
> The qualities I valued most were my verbal acuity, creativity, and eloquence.
> My emails would leave friends and colleagues on the floor laughing. Distance
> never came between myself and my friends on the other side of the country because
> I could express myself perhaps better than I could if I were there. I no longer
> write emails anymore and have lost touch with my friends.
>
> I cannot find words. My boyfriend, a brilliant man who fell in love with me
> before I was on medication, is heartbroken that the medication does not
> allow people to know me or my intelligence. Sometimes I think he is talking
> about himself too.
>
> My mind operates at about 10% capacity versus prior to the meds. When your life,
> your identity, your passion are circumscribed by your intellect, you are left with
> nothing but the consciousness of your loss.
>
> In this case, ignorance is not bliss, but agony. I feel I need to make a decision.
> Severe, treatment-resistant bipolar II depression with borderline personality disorder
> OR mediocre quality of life emptied out of all content and meaning.
>
> I cry all day. I have lost everything just so that I can keep living.
>
> Please share your experiences.The combined effects of the medicines you're taking can cause a lot of cognitive impairment. Are you clearer when you're not taking them, or all of them at those doses?
How long have you been ill? It's good that you recognize you're not well, but adaptation to your illness can be hard to do. It took me at least 7 years. Do you feel as "deficient" when you're not depressed? You have to accept that things won't be as easy as they once were (at least some of the time), and that you should strive to make it back to where you can continue to build on what you've achieved (which is considerable), and not think of yourself as "flawed" or develop an ego-damaging self-concept of being a "mental patient." I remember feeling as you do whenever I went from being high-functioning (e.g., working as a university administrator for several months, then sleeping on a rooftop (or in a refrigerator box in an alley) of the Moonie headquarters. I can assure you that with proper psychiatric care and support from friends and family, that your reading, memory and other intellectual abilities will return. The thing to do is to recognize you have to get on top of your illness fast and while you're young, stay on top of it, and make the necessary adjustments in your life. The worst thing you can do is to try to pretend that it'll go away. Also, psychotherapy and developing a relationship with a therapist who can get to know you is important. Maintaining friendships and family relationships, too.Keep your spirits up,
Blue
poster:Blue Cheer 1
thread:96905
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020307/msgs/96920.html