Posted by nightlight on January 15, 2002, at 22:50:48
In reply to How does this happen? It sneaks up!, posted by cmcdougall on January 15, 2002, at 10:31:28
Yeah, there's 'history' in my background as well, tho I knew little about it, or didn't put the 'pieces' together until I realized I had my own little nameplate waiting for me on the 'wee bit *teched* (read: nutty, deranged, Eccentric or downright psychotic) branch of our family tree.
I had 'known' s/t was wrong w/me since my teens, but I figured I was just lazy, damaged, warped or in some way, simply, cursed. Then my dad (my all-time favorite person-smart, funny, so kind) had a breakdown about 12 yrs. ago. How cd. this most brilliant and wonderful person suddenly (but, not really suddenly) lose their mind?
Depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, etc.It was all there. Then hospital, shrinks, drugs (the wrong ones) and then several rounds of ECT. Very bad idea-his own father died (heart attack) during an ECT treatment in 1946. [I know, ECT is different now, but the possible emotional/psychological damage this treatment could've (and did) have on my dad was unpredictable and immeasurable]. He did recover, slowly, was still one terrific man, but never the same *mind* again. And, lord, did he rue that loss. He was quite well-read and had had an amazing memory for details. He had permanent memory damage, raging fear of docs, and was never sufficiently medicated. He had been abruptly withdrawn from 15 yrs. on low-dose valium prior to his 'breakdown'. He never took another benzo-the docs made him feel that his med had made him nuts-and limped along bravely for another 12 years, enduring anxiety attacks, dep, panic, etc. w/only the help of 25 mgs.of desipramine, 10 mgs. thioridizine and, for his 'nerves', an occasional Vistaril (hydroxyzine, which I believe he thought was prob'ly addictive, until I told him it was an antihistamine, for god's sake, take 2 please!).
One yr. after his illness became apparent, I divorced (amicably) and moved back to my hometown. I swore I'd be by my parents' sides from then on, in order to help them make sense of any medical crises I could. I had to learn a lot. I lived with them off and on for 10 yrs. as heart bypasses, cancers, colostomy and Alzheimer's took their various tolls on this sweet couple (50 yrs. married) as they aged. Daddy died in 2000 at age 74, Mother 14 months later in April 2001. She was 71. But, I digress...I loved them so much. And I sure do miss them, but not their suffering.
So, 12 yrs. ago, I started to think about whether I might really be 'ill', and not just a weak, powerless, hurting individual. Bingo...I was finally on the right road-tho it has taken me that many yrs. to find a decent p-doc and hope for a true remission sometime soon. I have a husband and a 5 yr old. We all deserve my wellness, if it's a possibility.
Sorry for the ramble-guess I'm feeling emotional tonight.
ps-ur depression symptoms are like a carbon-copy of mine! And, trying to 'hide it' all the while. Jeez...thr backtracking damage control I have before me is immensely daunting-but, at least I'm awake most of the day.
> There is a history of depression and bi-polar in my family going back several generations. I know because I started asking the "old folks" at a recent family reunion. They just didn't call it mental illness. They called is eccentricity, laziness, irresponsibility, or insanity. I was amazed at the stories I heard about my great-grandmother, great-uncle, etc. My mother and brother also both have depression.
> My depression sneaks up on me and I don't realize it until I truly crash. This most recent crash started last year when DH sued his ex-wife over visitation issues having to do w/ his children. I became obsessed w/ family law and father's rights issues. I slowly quit taking care of my business, paying bills, etc. I hid all this from my husband because I didn't want him to think I was lazy (or whatever). For some reason, the idea that my AD (EffexorXr 150mg/2xday) was pooping out never entered my head. The fact that I tried to hide all the symptoms kept friends and family from noticing anything until it was too late. I recall my DH and friends questioning if I felt OK, and I kept assuring them I was fine.
> The downhill slide progressed until I was:
> * going to bed at 7:30 each night
> * waking up at 3AM only to fall back asleep at 4:30AM and sleep till 10AM
> * napping several hours each day
> * staying home from work
> * not bathing, getting dressed or putting on makeup
> * eating all day
> * not answering the phone
> * not paying ANY bills or filing important state and federal reports
> * not doing any household tasks
> * ending up in psych ward after suicide threat
> I could go on, but most of you can fill in the blanks...
> Since November I've been on a med combo of desipramine, celexa, adderal and trazodone. This seems to be doing the trick for me right now. I pray it lasts...