Posted by kathefirst on December 11, 2001, at 23:50:03
Hello one and all,
I write again, more into the pit of despair than in my first letter. Since talking to you all - I've felt good, felt like even if the clinic only gave me 7 doses, i could stretch and be OK.I am NOT going to be OK. I met with my doc today -he
A) yelled at me for bringing this to them so late, told me how irresponsible i was, how i should have done it differently, ect (even though I brought this to them 3 months ago and they just told me last week it wasn't OK - my nurse, the one i see all the time who's supposed to be on my side, said NOTHING and let him yell at me even though she's the one i told)
B) Told me that he wouldn't accept any of the "baloney" I had brought in, such as testemonials from patients having gone to Mexico, and the email of a doc in CANADA who said he gave take homes to patients going to Mexico, and email addresses of advocacy places, and information
C) Said if I could find all that info, i should be able to find a clinic in Mexico to courtesy dose me (even though I've tried and there's nothing, he doesn't beleive me, and says he will email a MExican doc who had just lectured in Winnipeg, but since the doc didn't even know of the clinics in Tijiwana, I very Very much doubt he's going to find a non-existent one near Cancun to dose me, but I'm just a dumb patient so what should I know...nothing apparently)
D) Told me i should have been trying to go through detox since at LEAST last week when i found out Mexico had no methadone, if not three months ago when i planned this trip (even though my nurse had told me to NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE stop my dose, not until i'd seen the doc, and yet while i told the doc this, he said that that was stupid and irresponsible, and my nurse would not tell him that she'd told me that, so i just looked like an #######)
E) While i sat there and wept he berated me for being LAZY, since I had not brought all the phone numbers of all the airports in Mexico (even though I'd said i would find them and send them in, and that SURELY it wouldn't be difficult for them to find at LEAST the Canadian embassy from dialing 411 - he YELLED at me for "expecting them to do ALL the work while i sat back". NOt that that's their JOBS or anything,not that they're the ones who are supposed to be knowleable about this stuff, not that they're PAID or anything!!)
F) Told me that there was surely a "mixed blessing" and "silver lining" to this, and that clearly, someone was trying to send me a message about the trip, that it "wasn't the right time" (even though my ticket is 100% under ALL circumstances, even DEATH non-refundable, changeable, transferable, ANYTHING, and I owe 45000 to the gov'mt for student loans, and have just worked through a double honours university degree with a GPA of 3.98 over the last five years, and have been working full time for that time too, and deserve a god damn vacation). Clearly, they both say, i should just cancel my trip and have it another time. LIke a student who owes that much can EVER find 1000$ again or the time off from work for that matter.
F) told me if i'd lied i would have gotten doses (and didn't even commend me for NOT lying)
G) Told me that I'd gotten more trips out of them than any other patient (even though "many" = 2 in the last year, both for work, both for less than 7 days, both with airline tickets to prove it).
and to TOP IT ALL OFF told me
H) that if i DID go to MExico against orders, that there would be NO methadone waiting for me in Winnipeg when i got back adn that I could "re-apply" to the program on thier intake days (I get back on a thursday, I'd have to wait until tuesday, with NO methadone, and be started out on 10ml of methadone all over again, Currently i'm at 120 - 10 will do SQUAT!!)
I) Finally told me to get out of his office, that the bottom line was that "he wasn't willing to put HIS name and HIS practice on the line by sending me to the border with methadone that is not legally prescribed in MExico". (As IF they would take his name down, throw out my methadone, and take him to court or revoke his license or any such bull. FOR GODS SAKE - methadone is a MEDICATION, if HE doesn't know that as the ONLY meth doc in winnipeg, I don't know what the hell he's doing!! And i KNOW from everything poeple have said that I CAN take medications prescribed in my home country into mexico. sh*t).SO - I'm stuck with what little I can save from now until the trip. If i only take ONE dose every TWO days I can save 5 whole bottles. If i take ONE of those every TWO days of my trip, they'll last me TEN days of a 15 day holiday, and 19 days before I'd even get back to the 10ml dose they'd give me at teh clinic. Further, I WORK, and coming home and going directly into the chemical dependancy detox at our emergency room is OUT of the question, since work would find out and hate me (probably not FIRE me, but it would be hell going back, plus they only have 7 beds, and FAR FAR more needed!!!).
I've been crying for over 8 hours. It sounds so silly as I write this, that this is a LIFE or DEATH situation for me. Trite it sounds. But I've been workign HARD and NEED this time more than anything. And I'll never NEVER EVER be able to afford it for at LEAST another 10 years. I'll die if I can't go. And i WILL go, not going is NOT an option, not anymore than killing myself is an option. So what do i do? spend all my vacation money on illicit drugs and #### the last year+ of progress and all my vacation money to boot? I don't want to.
Does anyone know how sick i'll get even from going down from 120 to 60 in just two days? over time will taking it only once every second day start to make me crazy crazy ill?? What the hell hell hell can i do?
I've called to try to get an advocate (i've talked to the ONE good addictions pschiatrisit in Winnipeg, who couldn't help, said she'd call my doc, but I doubt much can happen, and talked to the nurse coordinator of the other half methadone clinic, but she said she'd talk to MY nurse and try to reason (at the very least to get her to at least give me my dose back when i get home). This doctor is a REAL uncompassionate, uncaring, cold, unhuman, cruel, and horrific person. The only reason he's in this job is becuase HE used to be an alcoholic, and to psychoanalyze him today, I'd say he's punishing he patients for what he believes was a personal weakness in himself. I don't have a "personal weakness", I am a strong strong, very smart, strong willed girl who works god damn HARD, helps people every day, teaches, does outreach work, volenteers, works with teens, helps her friends, cares about the world, believes in and FIGHTS for human rights for everyone, and a girl who just happens to have a disease.
I'm not told that I've done well, that i've come far, that I deserve pay back, I'm told that I don't deserve even a little rest, I'm told that I'm tied to my medication, which is a "PRIVILEDGE" that I should grovel over and kiss people's feet for giving me, etc. I'm at the mercy of an ####### who hates me
(small story about this doc/man - when i went to him and asked for a referal to a shrink becuase I was having hard core depression and suicidal thoughts after having come VERY close to losing my partner, my job, school, etc. to drugs, and having gotten off drugs, and in the throws of working 6 part time jobs and going to school full time, he told me I wasn't depressed becuase at least i was getting out of bed. Like as IF every single addict in the world shouldn't, if they WANT, get a shrink without anyone even raising an eyebrow. He wouldn't give me the referral.)Anyone know of ANY advocates in Canada??? I'm thinking of calling a lawyer and charging this doc and the clinic with some human rights violation, or of not honoring the hipocratic oath of "do no harm" and "care for your patients" etc., and threating to sue and bring it all to the papers and media - maybe THAT would actually affect his name (not prescribing me a LEGAL med). Any thoughts??
Any thoughts on how to detox fast?
What going from 120mg a day to 100 mg every two days would do?
HOw fast I can reduce my doses?
What I can get, where I can go, who I can talk to in Cancun who could write me a legit script for morphine so I don't get sick? I know how to find a quack who will charge me lots and lost and lots for drugs that he's just got in his office, but I need a real prescription so I don't drop 400$ on drugs that will just maintain me. There's no WAY I'd be able to get stoned on anything at ALL anymore anyways
Any drugs to ask for to help with withdrawl symptoms??
Any docs in Canada or the STates who would stick up for me?
ANy ideas at all.I'm on the brink of the depth of total dark and scary cold despair. If I go down the slippery slope I'm standing on right now, I"m not going to come up for air for a while. I'll be down here giving my whole life away (I have a job i like, I've come far, I KNOW this, I don't want to go down under the murky black waters right now - but cancelling my trip is NOT NOT NOT an option).
PS - I don't think they'd believe me if I told them I had changed my trip to a camping expedition. I cried to hard adn with much conviction.
I'm lost and need help, advice, support, and stuff. Please. Please. I'm sorry to be a burden on you all - who are people, I know with your own burdens, but I need HELP. Please.
Thank you.
K
poster:kathefirst
thread:86630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011202/msgs/86630.html