Posted by Delphine on November 10, 2001, at 13:52:35
In reply to I want to die, posted by Delphine on November 9, 2001, at 18:08:08
Thanks to everybody for replying. BTW, I really don't need to mention this but I would feel like a hypocrite if I didn't: I used to post as Else, I changed my e-mail address so now I have a new nick. I would just rather people knew. Anyway. Ok, right now I feel slightly better. I don't remember who it is that said if I really wanted to die I would be dead. I agree. You are right. I just really want this bad feeling to end and right now the idea of not waking up or just ordinary suicidal fantasies cheer me up somehow. I tried to kill myself last year with a ton of pills and alcohol. Somehow, the doctors interpreted this as substance abuse and it took over a year of taking inneffective meds (Zoloft, Effexor, Depakote, etc..) to finally convince my doc to put me on Klonopin and Ritalin which I though were best for me. I was on Klonopin for most of the summer and I was feeling great. At the beginning of october I started feeling very wrong. I told my doctor this last week, but that was the week he decided to prescribe Ritalin because I had shown I could "exercise self-control" and he thought ADD was a likely diagnosis. I believe so too but this is not ADD, this is something else in addition to ADD.
I haven't exercised self-control in over 5 or 6 weeks. I would get home and get this sense of doom. The only thing I can compare it to is crashing after doing lots of coke (for those of you who are familliar with the experience). I found taking a beer or two helped, so I did. But I am not supposed to drink because of the Klonopin. I saw my doc last week and told him how I was not feeling myself and he said the Ritalin might improve my mood. But it's not helping at all. I feel as bad as before. I don't think it's even doing anything at all. Anyway. I have to see my doc again this week. I'll tell him about what is going on but then what? Antidepressants have never worked in the past so why would they now? I have been improving steadily for over a year and now this happens. Why? It's not fair. Things are supposed to be working out now. I think my doctor sees me as this hysterical girl who cries wolf all the time. He is not entirely wrong but now there is a wolf. I have never in my life felt bad so consistently for so long. I force myself to drink even though I HATE alcohol just to make the horror go away. I just have to wait. I have to make it through this week and then everything will either improve or fall apart. I don't know.
Anyway, thanks to you all.