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Re: hanging in there Ľ Lorraine

Posted by shelliR on October 28, 2001, at 23:03:08

In reply to Re: hanging in there Ľ shelliR, posted by Lorraine on October 22, 2001, at 9:20:40

>Hi Lorraine
>
> > > >I didn't realize that you thought that you had pushed yourself into depression. I thought you thought it was more hormonal. Were you still working when the depression hit? Is that what you meant by pushing youself into depression?
> Yes--not just working, but working for an emotionally abusive man in an incredibly stessful job.

I had misunderstood that. I thought you quit your job to spend more time with your children. But maybe they both are true?

>
> It must be hard to move forward when you don't know what you are up against--the 8-10 year old not talking

I sort of think two things are happening in therapy, either simultaneously or sequentially. One is dealing with old stuff to get past them, process, grieve, or whatever it takes. The other is more cognitive; sort of given who I am, what are my goals, what gets in the way, and how to I work with the things that get in the way. Right now what happened when I was eight is not feeling all that important. My internal focus is still mostly on the little ones. because they talk a lot. But I could see a situation, like if I get involved in a intimate relationship where their goals and mine may differ, and I would have to deal with simultaneous old pain and as well as new life issues. Right now all my focus in on to find meds that work and finish all my work that is promised, which now feels impossible.

Iím not sure what I am doing in therapy now; I think I basically need a center of support that I canít give myself.


> [re marraige and kids] > > It seems like kids both widen the gulf, but also bring parents
> This is true. It's just easy to shift the focus to the kids and forget about maintaining the marriage.

That's interesting for me, because I never think much about maintaining a marriage as being a different subject than maintaining a family. People I know with small children seem to spent about 100% of their energy outside of work (especially if both parents work) with their children. But I am, I suppose, not seeing the "couple part". Like sex is definitely about couples and not children.

All my relationships have been so short (all under two years) that sex was an overwhelming part of our time. (Like almost every time we saw each other). I have always wondered first what it would be like to be in a relationship which includes sex but not as the main focus and also why so many people have so little sex (statistically). Not you Lorraine!--no seriously, I know it is a big important part of your marriage. With my good friends who are married, it seems to be an important part of their marriages, and I can get it about being tired with babies, but otherwise, why do you think intimacy in marriage drops so much lower after time? I wonder if a lot of people donít really like each other any more, but itís too hard to make such major changes (like leaving). Of course our divorce rate is high anyway.
>
And Judy, if you are reading this, I know some of sexual acting out is a major part of your mania.
>

> No, he does this with everyone. The child was hard because I didn't have much of a childhood to connect to. That is what was so enriching to me about having kids--that I got a chance through them to experience a good childhood. I have no idea who I was b/4 I was burned. My mom says I was like my daughter--who is actually quite outgoing, but I think it changed my brain chemistry.


Do you mean in the sense that all trauma changes brain chemistry, or something different?
You donít remember before eight at all?


I sort of have the same sense of gratitude toward my inside kids because they are able to live things I was not or could not feel. Theyíd would really like to have their own bodies, and I feel bad about that. They want real hugs.

Now itís Sunday, and my ankles are still so swollen. Iíve been working every day and I feel tired and scared. Like I canít deal with things going wrong aside from depression. My car lights are not working right (only the brights and dims work), but I canít give up my car. Last time it took several days for them to get it back to me. Times like this I would like someone to just take care of me.

How is your nardil is working and that some of the side stuff you are working through. Have you tried the adderal yet? My pdoc added some ritalin in the morning (along with concerta)to try to help the oxycontin kick in faster, but it didnít do anything. I am still feeling somewhat depressed and extremely oversensitive, but at least there is a bottom on the depression. I donít know what drug the ankle swelling is related to. Nardil can do that; but Iíve never experienced it before. Itís really bad.

Shelli


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