Posted by Else on August 31, 2001, at 23:41:35
I have been wondering recently about what mental illness was *exactly*. I don't think I should care. I mean, if you feel bad, you feel bad and if something or someone can make you feel better than you should go for it right? But it doesn't seem to work that way at all. You have to have a good reason to feel bad. One thing that has always amazed me is the definition of major depression in the DSM-(III or IV, probably both) which states in its introduction that all those nasty feelings like self-hatred and deathwishes must be CLEARLY different from one's usual mood. I can't help but think that, if this is indeed one's *usual* mood then one must be severely ill. So why make this particular distinction?
I could never relate to the DSM definition because of this very distinction. I still feel like a fraud going to my pdoc's office while being only "dysthymic".I don't know if anyone can relate here but I feel somewhat discriminated against by mental health professionals because I have never been psychotic or so intensely suicidal that I would set myself on fire or something equally painful and gruesome (although I have attempted suicide, but it shouldn't matter one way or the other and that's my point).
It seems to me that the medical establishment is only interested in emergencies and is not too concerned with maintenance. Well duh! An obvious one. But it's even more the case where I live. I am writing this now because I feel I have been shrugged off by my doctor recently, presumably because he didn't think my problem was worth his while.
I have been having many difficulties at work all my life because I have always been so ,ahem, stimulus-bound. I am utterly convinced I have ADD for many reasons but the doctors where I live seem thoroughly opposed to the idea that an adult might have ADD. One of those reasons IMO(among many others), is that my performance at school and work improves greatly while I am on Wellbutrin (my doc un-prescribed it, of course, because it was not improving my mood. However my mood is not the problem here,or rather, it is secondary. I believe once I find a way to manage my life like an intelligent, reasonnable 26-year-old, my rotten mood will improve as a consequence).Anyways, I have spoken to him about this several times and he has ignored my complaints just as often. He seems to think that an intelligent young woman simply must be either a hysteric/borderline personnality-disordered neurotic or a drug abuser, whatever that means (and don't get me started, please, let just say I think 95% of so-called drug abuse is (sometimes misguided)self-medication).
Anyway. Many people have suggested I change docs. I WILL try but it is difficult here in Kanada and I might end up with much worse after several months (years?) on a waiting list. But this is not the reason why I wrote this at all. I just find that, often,people who are not accutelly psychotic and/or suicidal get shabby psychiatric care. Of course, I agree that suicidal gestures are the psychiatric equivalent of heart attacks and deserve more immediate attention than say, oh, trouble concentrating at work. However, in the long term, acute psychosis or suicidal thoughts, however destructive they may be, do get taken seriously. Absent-mindedness does not. Yet it can screw up one's life a great deal. I have had difficulties with what I am convinced (and at least one psychiatrist who is unfortunnately not my own) is AD/HD (stupid word by the way, you would think they could come up with something a bit more poetic). In any case. I am now 26 years old and I am convinced my whole life so far has been a huge waste of time. It's sad but that's how it is. I have recently found relief from rather severe social anxiety by the means of "homemade" CBT and effective meds. But my ADD is still screwing up my life, preventing me from keeping jobs longer than three months, causing me a great deal of grief in my social interactions and destroying any chance I could have of studying to get a decent job one day. But so what? It's not serious, is it? After all, I make jokes, I can get out of bed in the morning and I am not flinging myself off tall buildings so I guess I must be OK, right? After all, just one serious suicide attempt is no big deal. It's not like I'm thinking about killing myself every waking minute. (And BTW, I have felt that way in the past, I understand completely how horrible it is and don't mean to make light of this. I definitely believe people who are in this condition should get priority treatment at hospitals and I can understand why they would be irritated by someone whose "chief complaint" is having trouble paying attention).Well, my point is rather simple. Emergency medicine (which is just regular medicine in Canada) neglects less-severe, chronic cases. Everybody knows this already. But these minor disorders have a way of screwing up a person entire life, not just a couple of years of it. I hate the fact that I have a fairly high IQ, that I was always the top student in my class but that right now I am on welfare because I can't keep a job because I can't remember what happenned 20 minutes ago. I did great throughout high school because I could always catch up but college has been disastrous and I haven't accomplished anything significant in 10 years.
I feel kind of guilty complaining about this because I know many people have problems that are much more severe. I feel guilty saying something about it here and at my doctor's office. I imagine he's thinking about all his chronic schizophrenic patients and comparing them to me, a spoiled brat who just doesn't try hard enough. I am very easy to dismiss. But frankly, if someone told me nothing could be done for me, ever, I would kill myself. Hope is what has kept me alive for all these years. Maybe my doc is smarter than I think and has figured this out. Maybe he doesn't want to use a "last resort" treatment that might not work. But somehow I doubt it. Anyway, I am not sure this post even belongs here. If not I guess it will be redirected but, Gawd, all I meant to say is: Isn't there room for everyone? You can buy Tylenol for a minor headache at any 7-11 in the world and if you're accutely psychotic you are pretty much garanteed treatment but there's this huge gap in the middle for people who would have been called "neurotic" in the old days. It's because of our weak character and lack of willpower of course. You cannot will yourself out of menstrual cramps but ADD is just mind over matter, isn't it? Anyhow, sorry for the sarcasm, I'm just pissed off, I guess.
BTW: If I insulted anyone a few weeks ago, I apologize. I was just getting started with the Klonopin and was a bit too disinhibited I guess. Sorry if I have been a total bitch although I don't recall being that bad.
poster:Else
thread:77205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010828/msgs/77205.html