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Re: Trauma/Major Depression and Adís

Posted by Anna Laura on May 27, 2001, at 6:19:24

In reply to Trauma/Major Depression and Adís, posted by cramx2 on May 26, 2001, at 19:59:02

Hi cramx2,

I've been there.First, I don't know wether this mail ought be redirected to psycho-social or not.

Second, my usual premise: english it's not my language: i studied it in college; i'm a northern italian living in Italy posting from oversea.

I've been traumatized from major depressive episode too (actually i was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features).
Before that i didn't imagine that such a horror might actually exist.
It was something that went far beyond human emotional ranges.
It was like precipitating from a plane without a parachute, or being lost in space without a space shuttle, floating alone, aimless and desperate in the permanent night of the universe.
It was uttermost horror.
I had a second bout of depression a few months ago, but it was nothing compared to the one i had back in 1993. Back then, i have been lucky enough to meet a pdoc who cured me without going to the hospital.
I suffered from Coutard Syndrome, a rare syndrome with poor prognosis,(thinking the world is about to end, feeling your arms or internal organs are made of glass or stone or metal). I managed to overcome it.
I 'm not boasting myself a fighter or a hero, i guess i had been lucky, that's it.
When the episode resolved two years leater, i felt very uncomfortable recalling that experience.
I couldn't talk about it without getting anxious: i was shaking like a leaf and had cold flushes inside my head while i was talking about it.
I wasn't totally cured though: i had been able to come off meds (exceptional thing for psychotic depression: most of people have to take antypsychotic all their life through), still i felt sick, not really like my oldself, plus i had been traumatized from that terrible experience.
I wasn't given an antypsichotic, i was prescribed for tofranil at maximum dosage for my weight (i took 6 tablets of 25 mg: couldn't take more cause i was 95 pounds). I tapered the tofranil and i was able to get along without it.
I finally had gained weight and i didn't feel so bad after all.
Tha fact i have been cured so well and i had come off meds was kind of counter productive though: nobody would believe i had actually been so sick.
That really sucked cause i needed support and care: i was badly treated and fooled around instead.
People would go on telling me that i was plain lazy and that i was a spoiled brat.
"Everybody has depression during a life time: nothing exceptional occured to you"
"You should go back to work instead of resting like you're doing".
"Shame on you! You're laying around all day without doing nothing simply because your parents are rich, so you can afford doing nothing all day through" AND SO ON.

That lack of support, that constant pressure whereas i needed to rest cause of the terrible battle i had undertaken in the past years, made me sick again.
Plus, i had a terrible trauma in that period: my ex-fiance discovered he had AIDS. I went to that f*****g hospital every single day.
It was a terrible stress: every morning i was there, and every time i got in that hospital unit i was afraid of nurses telling me he had died the night before. I watched people die in terrible ways, parents not willing to get in the hospital bed-room to give the last good-bye to their son 'cause were scared of the illness.Friends would tell me that my ex-fiancť knew about AIDS before getting engaged with me.
Because of that severe, prolonged stress, i had a second bout of depression: i felt like my jaws were made of metal and all that horrible stuff again. I took zoloft and got better.
A few months ago i had a second bout because of other severe pressures (too long to tell).
Right now i'm taking amytriptiline, levosulpiride and amytriptiline cloridate at night.
Feel better but still anhedonic (and still traumatized).
It might sound silly, but the key to overcome the trauma it's not thinking about; I guess digging inside the issue won't help : you just keep on focusing on the issue and get more traumatized instead. That's my humble opinion.
I noticed that if i make an affort and i go out with friends instead of staying home, endlessly and painfully ruminating on the trauma, i get myself distracted and when i come back home i feel more "normal".

Sorry for being so long. I hope i didn't annoy anybody with disclosing too much private issues.

Take care

Anna Laura




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