Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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I'm scared.

Posted by zarathustra on May 27, 2001, at 0:05:53

Please help, I don't know what to do, I'm crying, and I think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My story is so long. I am 26, I am supposed to be gifted (actually, im quite the 'f'ing loser (high school drop out)) and I just cant cope anymore, I have totally deconstructed life, love, and anything happy into small logical components. My g.p. says I am rationalizing my depression, but I don't believe him.
I feel like an absolute failure and it makes me naseus (excuse my gifted spelling) I can't think anymore, people dont understand me, I'm ugly, irresponsible, the list goes on and on and on and on........................................and on.

I am not writting for sympathy, I am trying as best as I can to convey how I feel, It's difficult to put into words.

Anyways, I have been on about eight antidepressants, and the ssri's worked, but obliterated my libido.
I am in such a state lately that I can't see any hope, in trying again, My descisions are suject to my current state of mind.
Whats really scaring me is this intense anger that seems to be creeping up on me lately, I become furious at...well, nothing really. I become angry at the world, at life, at myself. Am I entering a psychotic depression!? And then as quick as the anger came, it leaves. I think I am going crazy, my moods are all over the place, my mind is a mess, I either undereat for a few weeks, or overeat. my sex drive is erratic (like my spelling), and I think about killing myself more and more each day.
I have been to the local hospital emergency department three times in the last six months, because I was kind of suicidal, and just needed to talk and get some reassurance that I'm not nuts. HOSPITALS ARE ABSOLUTELY USELESS! Evertime, I came out feeling worse that when I came in! Those people need a severe refresher in bed side manner! Basically they coldly asked me if I was going to kill myself, if somone could pick me up, and if I could make it through the night to come back in the morning to see on of thier condescending pretentious shallow "crisis workers". all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and some hope.
Getting help for suicide is not as easy as the damn commercials would have you believe, I really dont think anyone cares.
I watched the old Deniro movie "taxi driver" the other night, and it really scared me; i'm afraid that in my search for "answers" I am uncovering some pretty harsh truths about the selfish animal nature of our existence. We are hippocritical, selfish, jealous, materialistic creatures who polute, kill, war, steal and hurt. love is a farce, love is for the ignorant, love is nothing but neurotransmitters (which apparently I am low on :-)
I am afraid I am turning myself into a sociopath.
What is wrong with me?
I am constantly bored, nothing at all interests me whatsoever, except driving around toronto for hours smoking my brains out drinking coffee. And work gives me something to do, I work with behavioral and autistic children in a group home.
I have always been a bit of an enigma to people that know me, people often say that they have never met anyone like me before: I am deep, creative, and posses some "i cant quite explain it" properties, and "theres a wierd twinkle in your eyes" and other crap like that.

Anyways, I am rambling (or maybe venting).
If by chance you are interested in my pathetic little odyssey, I have submitted before under the undeserving handle of zarathustra. I am actually a normal guy, i mean I am not what you are probably picturing.
I am going to bed now, I feel very ashamed and guilty for dumping my life and problems on total strangers in such an unstructered, idiotic format, but hey thats how i feel.





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