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Trauma/Major Depression and Adís

Posted by cramx2 on May 26, 2001, at 19:59:02

At 30 years old Iím finally learning that my serious depression and other mental health issues are a result of Trauma. Iím finally/ at times taking in the ability to understand in a real conscious matter
that I suffer from a childhood trauma, which I have diagnosed as a Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS).It is not a type of trauma that is direct like child abuse, though hints of that may be there. After years and years of therapy I donít have a real diagnosis. Even my pharmacologist told me the other day that he couldnít label me with a real diagnosis and said I was atypical. After looking at a web page on The Spectrum of Dissociative Disorders: by Joan A. Turkus, M.D , I was able to conclude where I fit in. Well finally I feel a little better knowing this. I have spent the last 10 years of my life in and out of total mental hell never able to look at the heart of my problems, never curious to know but instead lost in it. Sure I still am lost in it, but at least Iím trying to deal in a more realistic matter.

In any case I wonder how much of my trauma is a result of the major depression episodes I have been through when I was off my ADís. I take Nardil and have been for about six years. I made a huge mistake this last year, when I had to go off my Nardil because I got kidney stones. This was the second operation I went through while being on Nardil. After the first operation I thought I could deal without the Nardil but then went into a serious depression and faced new issues of career and loneliness. After going back on Nardil, it worked but not that effectively. My self esteem hit an all time low and I was dealing all sorts of ways, not to say I hadnít in the passed but god did I feel like a piece of shit, I still am dealing with that change. Then after three years I had to have the kidney stone operation and went through another major depression. After, I decided to try paxil again, which did wonders for me about seven years ago but pooped out. So I went back on it for about seven months and realized that I had to go off it because I was feeling so apathetic. And then boom, the worst most frightening depression Iíve ever had, forget about it, why I didnít go in to a hospital and how I survived work without anyone knowing for 3 months. Iíll never do that again! So I go back on Nardil because we know itís the probably going to work. ( I didnít think anything would) and it does really well but now its starting to poop out and not help so much and my Dr. has added Risperidone, itís only the second day. Generally in the last two weeks I have my ups and downs. Iím not really writing this about how good or bad I feel but was wondering peopleís experiences, especially individuals who are aware of their traumas. Iím on this sight occasionally and see a lot of archived posts of people who are on cocktails and trials and so fourth. I donít know if my awareness of my traumas is a bit sensational to me because of my more recent awareness of it or if a lot of the people who post on this sight are not to aware of there traumas because of how much they dissociated from it. I guess I feel lucky and afraid at the same time. Itís like when Iím not depressed so much or can raise my consciousness enough to realize that being not depressed is about not being dissociated, not "Iím not depressed, why canít it stay this way" or " it feels wrong." I guess Iím appreciating it when I have it and wish I could tackle it, believing that over time I will get better. Can other people relate to their trauma in general and also traumas caused by severe depressive episodes that may literally cause brain damage from the episode and going on and off meds. I donít think I have any choice when it comes to being on anything else but MAOIís. I do worry about having to have another minor operation




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