Posted by cramx2 on May 6, 2001, at 17:49:41
Thnx for all your responses, it helps.
I'm trying to get the right help aside from my therapist who I now see 3 days a week.
Also I will start group therapy in June with more normal people I don't know if I should be with more normal people maybe I need to be around more fucked up people who I can relate to. But I feel I need more. I don't know if this means augmentation or more intense therapy. I am selfishly involved in my own world but I have no choice but to be. I'm
screaming for more help and find myself not being able to obtain it. I don't know if I should be dealing the way I do, always roughing it out feeling frusterated and behind, tring to deal with the impossible. My shrink is aware of my serious condition but I really wonder how in touch she might be with a real brain/ psychatric disorder I might have. The same goes for my
pharmacologist. When I saw him after coming out of this super depression, I was in closer contact. But now I am not scheduled till another few weeks. And all along I've been trying to get my shit together to describe the symptons I have for a more proper diagnosis.
When I came out of the depression, the Nardil was working wonders, I was writing and reading, researching geting so in tune with my disorder. However at this point I'm too deep in to my complex mind to articulate my frusteration. I have lots of little notes as a beginning to describing what I'm going through and have been for along time. The truth is that I'm quite aware at times what historically has caused my severe illness. Depression is at the heart of it due to childhood trauma, I was born a hyper sensitive child, and also my father is a true Holocaust survivor which means a tremendous amount of transferrance
has occured, not just from him but also from my neglectful unloving mother. The heart of it all is my search for love. However I have a serious thinking and perception disorder. My day to day living is never the same. I have experienced such a wide range of improper defense mechanisms and ways of dealing with my thinking. If I could begin to describe. It seems that I have a liitle bit of everything. There is a bit of OCD, ADD. Definately serious depression, anxiety, anger, stress etc. I can rarely remain in the moment. I'm always concentrating on how to deal with my thoughts. I'm so distracted by this. It amazes me that I can get through half the things I do. I walk around all of the time trying to untangle the first piece of a huge maze. Every piece is the first piece. Sometimes the pain is excrutiating. Being all alone in it. Some times it's not so bad but it shouldn't even be that. I'm used to my masochistich thinking. But consistancy is a never. I have so much anger inside about how all my talents and ambitions have been erased from history because of this illness. I could have achieved so much more. I have an ADD adult sympton checklist and I score above the normal. I'm not saying I have ADD, I should check it out, at first I was convinced I did, but now I think it's more related to my memory and perception problems, the thinking disorder and depression, I do have a learning disability. I want and need to go on and on about this. I walk around like a normal person. People percieve me as together but they would have no clue how fucked in the head i am. I've never had an intimate relationship. Aside from the impact my mother and father had on this, I can't believe that a female could ever begin to understand and cope with me. I'm quite attractive when I feel good, but that only incures more pressure to be something I don't live up to. I'm at a point where something must be done. I need more help in getting this mind together. It's a sick redundant game, back and fourth. I really don't know who I am and I desperately do need help gaining a stable identity. It's amazing where my head can go in one day. It all started in college and then through my young adulthood, all these incraments/ periods of time hold different perceptions and distorted thoughts. I can't get away from the past, I go back and fourth. I don't know what else to say except thanks for listening. It helps to here other people identify and hopefully get responses from some psychiatric professionals.thank you
poster:cramx2
thread:61815
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010424/msgs/61815.html