Posted by Alii on February 14, 2001, at 14:22:58
In reply to Re: Why did I ever stop the meds?!! » Alii, posted by TomV on February 13, 2001, at 13:28:42
You ask the nature of the trauma. My father died of a heart attack when I was eight. I have few memories of anything before that or for that matter after. When I was 14 two men raped me. Only in the past few years when the depression was under control did I finally do a good chunk of the work necessary to process such buried traumas. I have oodles of work ahead of me but that all goes on the side burner until I achieve stability.
The mornings and nights are the hardest. I need at least 8 hrs sleep to feel good and I'm getting 5 or 6. Don't get me wrong I am needing every bit I can get and after the past few weeks of insomnia and nights of two hrs sleep I'll take anything! I've been waking early crying and feeling despondent. I have called friends and family at these early hrs and cried to them about my horrible fear that I won't get better. They all have read the lists of how to help and do their best. Just by not hanging up it is helping.
I still feel quite ill in the mornings when I wake. I wait until I've been up for a couple of hrs to take the WB to make sure I'm past the queasiness. This morning I increased the dose of the WB which means tonight I will increase the dose of the Buspar.
The temazepam for sleep is helping somewhat. The groggy sick feeling I wake up with is so blecky. I've used peppermint oil (for inhaling), crystallized ginger for the tummy, teas, saltines, all forms of carbonated relief, etc. This is what is bothering me the most at this moment. I would like to not feel like I have to throw up each day due to the meds I'm taking to try to get well.
I made an appt. for acupuncture to help with the digestion issues from the meds. I went last time I was in the black hole of darkness and having trouble with med side effects and found considerable relief. I've had to accept, and my acceptance changes moment to moment, financial help until my disability insurance kicks in. Until then I am fortunate my pdoc and therapist are willing to let me defer payments. Not worrying about the housing situation until I can get through the next few days. My life has screeched to a halt and I don't like being this slowed down. It makes me feel weak.
Thanks again for the positive words. Minute to minute I breathe in and breathe out. I figure I can set more ambitious goals when the meds start working and I can make rational decisions again.