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Re: phobia

Posted by coral on October 9, 2000, at 5:36:46

In reply to Re: phobia, posted by stjames on October 9, 2000, at 3:49:57

Dear James,

You're absolutely right. I do get my bp checked annually by my gynecologist whom I trust implicitly. It now runs 130/80 which is fine, but I also take 50 mgs of tenormin and my heart rate is 60.
My phobia stems from two reasons:
1. IF I ever had a dangerously high reading, I know that I would panic and would need to be someplace where immediate and appropriate measures could be taken. Which means to effectively use behavior mod and desensitizing would have to happen in a hospital setting. So, the concept of 'at home' help isn't viable at this time. Over time, I've gotten better. When the phobia first developed five years ago, I couldn't tolerate being in the same room with someone ELSE who was having their bp taken! I'm much better now, but it's still a phobia.
2. I am STILL so angry at the doc who refused to listen to me when I was in such desperate straits (re: depression and anxiety/panic), I trusted him and feel badly betrayed. I know I need to release the anger, and am working on that. Expressing anger and even allowing myself to feel anger when I've been wronged is a lifelong battle and was a major contributor to the depression. That bastard kept me on Synthroid which jacked up my bp. NOTHING I could do would handle the bp so he kept me on tenormin and raised the dosage. Once I finally stopped taking the synthroid, all of the other symptoms of hyperthyroidism disappeared but I'd developed this blasted phobia. Christ, I'd show up at his office when it was 35 degrees in shorts and a t-shirt! Horrible insomnia, dropping weight like mad, etc. The real kicker is when I finally got the thyroid test done, and it showed my thyroid levels as sky high, I said, "So, we'll reduce the dosage of the synthroid and retest in six weeks?" And, he said, "Nah, we'll reduce the dosage and just see how you feel. There's no need to unnecessarily poke you." I walked out and never looked back. I stopped taking the synthroid completely on my own and found an outstanding endocrinologist who ran the appropriate and extensive tests on my thyroid. No one knows why, but the little sliver of thyroid that was left following the thyroidectomy fifteen years earlier which had been dormant had kicked in and was producing enough thyroid hormone. According to the endocrinologist, after his review of my medical records, determined (as best as possible), that the synthroid was the culprit from the very beginning.
I intellectually KNOW all of this, but it's the emotional side that's terrified, hence the phobia. I don't believe I need to be on the tenormin at all, especially when my heart rate is now 60 because of it, but until I deal with this phobia so I can get accurate readings, I'll continue taking the tenormin.
Sorry for this being so long, but the background is important to understand, I believe. It's such a weird phobia. I can't be hypnotized, and I've explained the difficulty with behavior mod/desensitizing. I can certainly tranq. myself up before having it taken but I also know it wouldn't be an accurate reading! LOL While it's getting better slowly over time, I'm still searching for possible ways to conquer the phobia. Any ideas?


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