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Re: support » MisterB

Posted by Kath on August 14, 2000, at 10:02:47

In reply to Re: support , posted by MisterB on August 13, 2000, at 18:01:28

Hi MisterB

Thx for the post. I appreciate the input.

I'm glad I received alot of help dealing with my feelings around the whole issue FIRST. At this point, your comments are quite good for me to hear.

I think you've made a good point, in particular, to point out that a more realistic & appropriate result of the inappropriate behaviour would be residence in a senior's home rather than a mental institution. I also agree about psychological services being used as tools of control. I'd never thought of that before, but you're quite right here. I don't think that my husband or his brother ACTUALLY believed that Dad would end up in a mental institution!! Good point. It makes me realize that we haven't been dealing with Dad in a "straight-on" way. Just because he's uneducated & simple & has a bad memory etc. we tend to "talk down" to him & it really isn't necessary. However - when I laid out my boundaries to him, I WAS real & guess what! - he understood & I felt better than I usually feel when communicating with him!!

Regarding the guilt, I think that my reaction is quite different from the reaction of someone who was not sexually abused as a child. I'm getting professional help about that issue & the positive spin that I choose to take is that this situation has brought the emotions 'way closer to the surface. I have had one session with my pdoc since this happened & I know that I can achieve more in the way of healing than I might have been able to do if this hadn't happened!!

Thanks for your input. Hope you are well.

Kath


> Kath,
> I have some gay friends but I have been lucky to select, or by chance find friends that respect my boundaries. Most know if they don't, they won't enjoy the pleasure of my company. On rare occassions when somebody violates those boundaries, I don't blame myself much, but maybe I deal with guilt differently.
>
> My perspective is that well-defined moral structures yield more feelings of guilt, whereas boundaries based on arbitrary personal preferences yield feelings of ambivilance along with reactions aimed at achieving those preferences.
>
> The part of your reaction that concerned me, actually of your hubby's reaction, was the threat to put him in a mental hospital. Psychological services are often used as tools of social control rather than to promote health. A more appropriate warning might be that, if he does not behave so people are comfortable around him, he will end up in a residential care facility for the elderly. There, staff are (or should be) trained to deal with sexual harrassment. Maybe he wants some age appropriate company, and is alienating younger people in an effort to find what he really wants.
>
> Threats to use legal force, in my opinion, should be specific. His desires are not illegal. Soliciting prostitution is illegal, as is sexual battery, sexual assualt, or lewd and lascivious behavior, depending on your state and municipal laws. Legal boundaries are not contiguous with personal boundaries.
>
> If I have a thematic point here, it is that abuse breeds abuse, and that abuse of authority in response to sexual abuse forecloses opportunities to reach the heart of the problem. Looking at it with detachment, I would say treat it as an interpersonal problem with him rather than weilding ambiguous moral authority. But I can't say I would act that way if my feelings were involved.

 

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