Posted by Barbara Malm on August 2, 2000, at 18:36:25
In reply to feeling ashamed of depression, posted by ksvt on August 1, 2000, at 19:47:16
> I saw a neurologist today. I've been having intermittent and at times very acute episodes of pain to one side of my face since Dec. In search of an explanation, I've been to an internist, an EMT guy, an allergist, been treated with 2 different courses of antibiotics and had 2 different CT scans all to pretty much no avail. The neurologist was the EMT guy's idea, but the neurologist couldn't figure out much either (he thought it was a sinus problem altho that avenue has been explored pretty thoroughly). The upshot was that he decided I should just be treated for facial pain of undetermined origin which, he claimed was not an unusual by product of depression. (news to me) He's prescribed small doses of elavil which, I guess is supposed to increase my pain threshhold. When I realized that he was pretty stumped I found myself pushing the idea myself that it was all stress/depression related, which is sort of my answer to everything. I despise having to relate my medical mental health history, and this time was no exception. I just came away from this appointment unbelievably depressed - that I had to let one other person know about my depression, that this sould bother me at all, that there are so many physical conditions that are too readily passed off as depression related, that I'm going to start taking another med which will do nothing to address a root cause, that all this is happening at a time when I was in the process of switching some meds and has disrupted plans somewhat, that because of this the neurologist had to talk with my pdoc, that both of them were questioned by my pharmacist who was curious about these prescriptions being called in in such a short period of time, and most of all, that I'm dealing with everything so miserably. I'm sure this sounds pretty rambling. The neurologist's office is in a hospital. I could see tons of people all around me dealing with really horrible stuff, so I feel like I have no reason to be depressed - but I get worn down by thinking of myself as a person with a disease (particularly one that shames me so much that I hate talking about it even to doctors) I make myself feel like I'm wearing a scarlett letter or something. This post probably seems pretty incoherent (and feels very inconsequential) but I hoped it would distract me from lying aroung thinking about hurting myself, which is pretty much what I've been doing. It doesn't require a response.
None of wants to appear abnormal. Even if we could define "normal", or find a "normal" person, we don't want to be abnormal. I have been experiencing quite crippling back pain for some time. I decided that my family doctor had had enough opportunities to figure out and address this problem, and that I had given him my last shot at it. So being 53 with a family history of arthritis, I see a rheumatologist. He gives me Xioxx. No relief. What a surprise. So when I could no longer stand up straight, I went to the emergency room where a neurosurgeon saw me - one MRI and three weeks of Percocet (does this stuff cime in six packs) later, he says I have scoliosis and a herniated disk. Much as I would have like to try, I could not live on Percocet. So remembering so many postings here at Psychobabble about Celexa, I came here to refresh my memory. I had tried Celexa last winter for a pretty bad bout of depression. No matter how bad the depression was, the side effects of the Celexa were worse. But several people mentioned that they had tried cutting on Celexa in half and that had minimized or eliminated the side effect problem. So having nothing to lose, I cut a Celexa in half each morning and in about two weeks, not only did my depression improve but my back ache disappeared and has never returned. And I push the envelope on these old back muscles. So I proved a couple of things: 1. the relationship between pain and depression (you all knew it but I am new at it); 2. the value of the postings at this site. Additionally, I want to add that I had allowed myself to become totally exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally - "restorative" sleep had become a happy memory - this probably more than anything else contributed to the depression and the pain - so when all else fails, we have to take care of ourselves in every way - even the simplest.
poster:Barbara Malm
thread:41956
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000729/msgs/42044.html