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Anxiety Attack? Feeling down (loooooooooong)

Posted by Rach on July 23, 2000, at 11:25:02

Hi guys,
In case you don't know or remember, I am a uni student studying Psychology (isn't that ironic!) Recently, I found an ad for a job being a therapist for a 2 1/2 yr old autistic boy, implementing the ABA program. I have a cousin who is autistic, so that didn't faze me, and so I thought this was a great opportunity for me to gain experience in the field I want to pursue (& as a therapist as opposed to being the patient). The money was good, and the fact that there are very few qualified therapists in Aust for ABA was a definate drawcard. I also just wanted to help this little boy.

I phoned the woman, and she sounded very enthusiastic. Out of 30 people, they interviewed 10 - including me. I was apprehensive about the interview, but I pushed myself because I knew this was definately something I wanted to do. The boy was at the interview, and I was expecting the worst (sitting in a corner, rocking, ignoring everyone). But he was bright, he made eye contact, he followed instructions like 'High 5' and he played with his sister. I decided that I would really like to do this, because the boy could have such a bright, positive future if given the opportunity.

I was then shortlisted to a list of 6 people. They wanted 3, and those 3 were then going to be chosen based on their availability. Today, there was an information session that the 6 of us were supposed to attend. I woke at 7am, and then lay in bed, unable to move. My thoughts were running around everywhere 'how can I get out of this?? get out of bed - you want this! I can't. You can. You really want this opportunity. It's not that hard to roll over, and get out of bed. Could I pretend my friend went into hospital?' Oh- I just realised, typing this out. Every time I think something negative, I use 'I', whereas when I am trying to talk positive to myself, I use 'you'. I can't - you can. Wow, I never ever relaised that. I guess it means something signficant - I'll have to think about that.

I guess I worked myself into a state. I know it sounds weird, but my little fingers started quivering. I also began tapping my feet (yes, even in bed). My little fingers began spasming so much that my hands clenched into tight fists - I have long nails and I now have bruises and marks where my nails dug in. I cried that frustrated, why can't I be normal, cry. This went on for about 1.5hrs, and then I fell asleep from exhaustion (I managed to get my boyfriend to call the people to tell them I couldn't make it, and that I would ring at a later stage - I haven't yet faced that).

For the rest of the day, if something even little started bothering me, my little fingers started dancing. Sometimes I can control them, sometimes not. Does this mean I am going to start having panic attacks everytime something doesn't go my way?

Uni is going really well, I am having a good time at residence, did I just try to do too much too soon? Or will I never be that 'normal' person we all wish to be? I've decided to give up all hopes of working at the moment - I think the added pressure must have something to do with it. I just feel so much like a failure, though. I couldn't even do a simple thing like get out of bed. How pathetic am I?

Hope you are all feeling happy and well.
R


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poster:Rach thread:41243
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