Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Posted by Rach on July 17, 2000, at 10:07:52

In reply to SICK OF THIS DAMN ROLLER-COASTER RIDE, posted by tina on July 16, 2000, at 18:40:58

Dear Tina,

It's currently 1am over here, and I am feeling absolutely exhausted. People are screaming in the rooms above me, and I have to drive home tomorrow morning at 8am for a funeral. Actually, I'm a bit scared because a lot of my depression stems from the death of loved ones. I'm not sure how I'm going to react. I'm not sure why I am writing this now, because I intended to tell you nice things, not have my own whinge. Sorry.

Nice things time! Tina, as much as you loathe the pain, unfortunately you need to feel it. You may not see it right now, but if you did not feel anything then you would be emotionally and mentally dead. You may wish for that now, but just remember, there will be a bright future for you to live. There will be dreams to accomplish, people to love, ideas to share. To get there, you just need to endure the bad patches. Always keep in mind what it is you are trying to achieve - obviously you want to feel better and begin to live your life the way you want and need to. Unfortunately I found that it cannot be done until you confront your pain, and live hopefully through the worst of the worst times. It is very very hard. I am so lucky - being young I still had so many opportunities surrounding me. I had so many choices, so much support, and so much goodness thrown in my face that it was not too difficult for me to see the great future ahead of me. But don't be jealous, the opportunities and choices are there for you too when you are ready. You have support here, if nowhere else.

Tina, you can get through the bad times. You cannot do it by smacking yourself out of it. You cannot do it by constantly dragging yourself down. You have come so far - your journey already has proven your strength, courage and love. You are a special person - treat yourself kindly. Don't wish for catatonia. Wish for the future, wish for the pain to disappear, and then take one step towards getting off that ride. It is not too much to ask, but it may be too much for you to achieve if you do not believe in your strength and abilities. Think of the future, accept your past, and take that one step foward. I know you can do it.


> I wanna get off this ride.
> I can't take this "good day then bad day then worse day" scenario anymore. My good days are soooo good and then the bad days are down and low and then, amazingly enough, there is a worse day. The frustrated, explosion of cutting, punching or screaming-like-a-banshee-in-the-back-of-the-basement-where-I-hope-the-neighbors-can't-hear-me day. They do say bad things come in three's right? On those worst days, I don't even eat. I drink tea or water all day and eat nothing. Gee, ya wonder why doc says I'm hypoglycemic.
> I have no idea why i am rambling on about this sh*t. I should just smack myself out of it. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of the meds, the docs, the tests, the tears, the ridicule, the pitty, the ups and downs, LIFE. I'm so tired of THIS life. I feel like every road I take ends in a swamp or a bottomless cavern. This mood shift happens every few days, most especially on weekends. ( Ha, Greg has good weekends and I have bad ones, ironic, tell me what your secret to good weekends is Greg) I do not fear myself or what I might do to myself though. It doesn't scare me to know that I may cut myself because I won't cut fatally. I want to Live Happy not just exist in this hell on earth that is killing me minute by minute, inch by inch anyway. I am not numb yet. I so badly want to just be numb or catatonic, to not "feel" the pain. How can I do that? I just want this "ride" to be over and to feel the ground beneath my feet again. Is that so much to ask?
> Maybe it is.




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