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Fear of Life and Terror of Death

Posted by Cecilia on July 16, 2000, at 0:33:00

I am 50 years only and have been depressed since adolescense. I`ve tried virtually every medication there is to try, including the non-AD categories recommended by John L. (stimulants, mood stabilizers, Zyprexa). (Plus failed 7 years therapy.) My doctor says the only thing left to try is ECT, and he`s going to refer me to an ECT specialist, though I don`t know what I`ll do if the ECT specialist doen`t recommend it: I`ve always heard ECT doesn`t work well for atypical depression. Of course I`m terrified of ECT, but I`m willing to try it at this point. My main terror is not so much the ECT itself-most of my memories are lousy anyway and maybe I`ll be lucky enough to die painlessly under the anesthesia. My fear is, being off work, people finding out, especially my employer who will tell my supervisors who will tell my coworkers. I`ve
never told anyone about taking meds or therapy, though of course I know every one and his dog takes ADs these days, so it`s not such a big concern. I have so much shame about my depression, I know I "shouldn`t" but that doen`t make it go away. If I were one of these "normal" people who happen to have depression despite "a good life" maybe I wouldn`t have so much shame but the reality is that all the ECT in the world isn`t goingto change me from what I am, an ugly, friendless, unloved, unlovable, 50 year old woman. Okay, I know there are mass murderers who have less self-hate than I do, I`ve never committed a crime, I work, pay my taxes,recycle. But the self hate is overwhelming and I go back and forth wanting to die so bad and lining up my rows of pill bottles (Of course with all the meds I`ve failed I have masses, and like Harry with his guns I`ll NEVER get rid of them, NO ONE else has the right to say how much pain someone else can tolerate. But I lie in bed thinking I`m going to take them, I can`t stand the pain one more minute, and the terror and heart palpitations grow to the point where I think maybe I`ll luck out and just have a heart attack. I`m SO afraid, partly of the meds not working due to vomiting and endind up brain damaged and in a nursing home, but mainly of some horrible afterlife worse than this one. People say life is a gift, to me it`s a curse, I`m so terrified of another "gift" worse than this one. Plus, stupid as it sounds, I
feel totaly invaded imagining my sisters sorting through my things after I`m dead; I`m a very private person. Intellectually, I know with all the billions of souls in the world the idea of an afterworld. good or bad. or souls
hanging aroung listening to what people are saying about them is senseless, emotionally I can`t shake it.
I know those fears are early childhood fears but they feel like total reality. And none of us will know for sure until it`s too late. And when I`m overwhelmed with my "Want to die-terrified to die" panic the last thing I want to hear is those "tunnel of light near death experiences" it makes me feel either I`ll be booted out of the tunnel or worse overwhelmed with guilt for getting the loving tunnel when I don`t deserve it. I just want there to be NOTHING.
Sorry for rambling, I`m just in so much pain.

 

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poster:Cecilia thread:40615
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