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transference or...?

Posted by julesvox on July 14, 2000, at 18:24:50

wondering if anyone out there has advice or stories to share about what's eating me up in a major way. i believe i fell in love with my first therapist...our intense and vital work ended prematurely because i had to move away but we've been in touch intermittently and i've been able to see her a couple times this summer. realizing that what's the most painful is not necessarily my feelings for her (abt which i still have a lot of shame and fear) but saying goodbye, which i haven't been able or willing to do. at the same time it feels (and i believe she feels) our connection is real. not that we'll be lovers--i trust her to stick to her therapist role--but that there IS a connection that is not just about transference/countertransference. shouldn't we honor those connections in this world?

i'm really confused about what the 'right' thing to do is for me. i thought i wanted closure, i wish i did, but i really don't. the thought of not having her in my life is incredibly painful (even though we haven't been in contact, there's always been the possibility). in a couple of weeks i cross the country again and i fear without something at least symbolic i'll keep hanging on to her memory and it will continue to hold back my other therapy. i don't think it's an issue of needing to say something--i feel i was able to express myself to her and tell her (nearly) everything i think and feel. burning my letters to her, making some gift for her, etc., doesn't feel quite right. she is comfortable with me contacting her sometime in the future...she's focused on this being about my process and helping me do what i need and if that's saying goodbye...i've wished she would just tell me never to call her again to make it easier.

anyone have a similar tale? any abiding relationships with therapists? this is so painful i'm crying just writing this outline of the situation. there's so much more but i'll stop here.


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poster:julesvox thread:40458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000708/msgs/40458.html