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Feeling Strange---Not good, but not bad

Posted by Abby on June 4, 2000, at 0:10:11

I can't tell whether I'm spiralling into a depression or what. On Thursday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 12:30. Only I was wrong, it was at 12:00. If I'd been on the ball, I would have realized/remembered that she doesn't schedule hour-long appointments on the half-hour. There were a couple of things I had on mymind to discuss---how to be authentic, without being unnecessarily vulnerable, but I was completely scattered. My psychiatrist remarked on how I was coming from all different directions and asked whether I needed help.

I've had some headaches since Monday, low-grade but unremitting. Acetominophen/paracetomol didn't help enough. Sometimes drinking diet coke gave me enough of a jolt to get my head clear.

I've been feeling somewhat light-headed, or maybe heavy-headed, acutely aware of my head anyway. Exertion goes to my head, and I have to sit down if I don't want to feel whoosy. In the garden, I've mostly been doing stuff where I can sit down. Exercise is supposed to help ward off depression, but when I can feel the blood, or lack thereof--I don't know which--in my brain, it makes it difficult. I suppose that I may be experiencing the classic concentration problems. I might score pretty high on short-term cognitive tests, but sustained stuff would be different. I think it would be difficult to write an essay or take an exam--even if I knew all the answers. Bringing them all together would be really hard. I could manage a mediocre paper, but not one I would like.

I feel sometimes like I want to cry, but my 'mood' is fairly bright. I'm glad that the sun is shining etc. Sometimes, the beauty in the world overwhelms me with its intensity, and I feel on the brink of tears, but I can be focused and motivated in that state, and I'm not now; I feel removed. I could be starting to feel low, but no cognitive techniques will work, because my thoughts aren't making me depressed. It's not being able to function well that is upsetting me. Now while I write this I can't stop thinking about my head. It's not totally constant yet. Oh, I don't know.

I've also noticed that my eyes start to go. I had a problem with strabismus (where one eye turns out). I had to do vision therapy to control it and to teach my eyes to work together. Right now I feel like my right eye (the one that turned out) is shutting off. I have another appointment with my shrink, but I don't know what to say. Help please? Can I elaborate? It might help me explain it to my doctor.





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