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Re: Breaking through the trauma

Posted by Todd on May 17, 2000, at 19:21:25

In reply to Re: Breaking through the trauma, posted by Greg on May 17, 2000, at 13:19:39

Hey there, Tom. I feel compelled to respond to your post because I too have had a couple of major breakthroughs in my life. After a long, low period, I came to my first "enlightening." I thought to myself, "Wow, this is it. I'm OK now, and I'll always be safe." I felt that way for a long time, until the next crisis hit many years later like a tidal wave. So much for safety. This crisis was even worse than the first one. Throughout it all, I knew there was no rational reason to be feeling the way I did, yet it hurt worse than anything I had ever experienced before. But I also held onto the knowing, or at the time I should say hoping, that I was strong and would weather it through and come to an even deeper understanding of myself. Just when I thought the pain couldn't get any worse, I hit the next breakthrough. It was ten times more significant than the first one, and gave me more insight than I ever thought possible. But with that breakthrough came a more important message that I would like to share with you: There Are No Safe Places!

I really believe that our depressions are caused by our subconscious ways of trying to keep ourselves safe. Those subconscious methods, to use an overly cliched term, are the ways of our inner child. The way we conducted ourselves as small children to create happiness in our lives become indelibly imprinted in our psyche and govern our adult behavior on a subconscious level until we discover the patterns and make the subconscious conscious. The inner child will always remain, but once we understand the inner child and his motives, we can always choose a different course of action. The fact that you are depressed, can't stand it, and wonder why is a sign that you are ready to go deeper.

Your last breakthrough revealed the fact that you lost your father at the age of 7 and never had time to grieve. Way to go, Tom! That's a real big one. I am sure you suffered a lot of pain to get to that realization. Inner child issues go a lot deeper than that, though. They stem from perceived traumas that occur anywhere between birth and 4 or 5 years old. The child at these ages does not have a real understanding of his surroundings and does his best to compensate when a crisis arises. This is not to say that a small child is not intelligent. He finds out how to modify his behavior to keep himself safe and happy. And at the time, this program for happiness usually works just fine. It's just that the child sees the world through his limited vision and understanding which does not necessarily reflect the reality of the situation. As we grow older and start to understand what the world is really like and consciously develop an idea of how it should be, the inner child lurks in our subconscious, telling us how to react and behave and feel, as much as we try to fight it.

Tom, I would guess that before the age of 7, you did something that you were made to feel was terribly wrong. This is not to say that your father was a mean person, it's just that you as a child felt incredibly guilty. For whatever reason, you were denied your father's approval when you most wanted it, and hatched a plan to win his forgiveness and approval. You might have gotten subsequent approval, but the original transgression was never forgiven. He passed away before you could ever show him that you really were a good kid, and before he could give you the forgiveness that you sought. I would guess you have been carrying that guilt around all your life. It was never resolved.

That may sound a bit harsh, and I sincerely hope I don't offend you or the memory of your father by posting these paragraphs. I feel very deeply, the highs and the lows. Whoever feels deeply feels for all who live, and I hope I can be an inspiration to you to grit your teeth and dig deeper. Think back to childhood memories. Try to think of the really low moments. Think of ways you might have felt responsible for your parents not being happy. Kids take lots of things personally and feel guilt for things they haven't even done wrong, just because someone is not happy with them.

Even more importantly, look at things that make you uncomfortable as an adult and how you deal with them. If someone is angry with you, do you give in and do what they want? Do you pout until you get your way? Do you want to run away? Do you feel like crying? Just a few questions out of many you might ask yourself. Above all, LOVE yourself and respect yourself. With love for yourself and your peers as your HIGHEST goal, you'll start finding answers. And it will likely be tough as hell. Meeting your inner child is never an easy thing to do. You'll be going back to an incredibly painful part of your life, and it may well take all you've got.

With incredible suffering, though, eventually comes a great reward. You can make peace with your inner child, understand his motives, and realize that he never did anything wrong and really is a great kid. The old methods for "staying safe" will then become options. You will have the ability to choose your behavior consciously without your inner child being in the driver's seat. It doesn't make life any less of a challenge afterwards, and it doesn't make you safe. But it gives you the satisfaction of knowing that no matter what comes along, YOU are in control, and YOU can deal with it. You'll find that you are your own person and can put your needs first and foremost without obligation to anyone else. That, I believe, is a real step towards creating your own happiness.

If you want to know about my inner child issues, go back to the April 20 archive and look in the thread entitled "Re: Lunatic Lyrical Aside" and read my posting "To Mark H." You'll see where I am coming from. Peace and love, Tom, and Godspeed on your path. You're exactly where you need to be.


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