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You tell me who's being courageous...

Posted by bob on April 23, 2000, at 0:39:37

In reply to Serzone, etc., posted by Jenny on April 22, 2000, at 23:14:28

Hi Jenny,

> I then did some depression inventories and scored high.

Bet those were the first tests you took that you didn't want a "perfect" score on, eh? ;^)

> ... serzone at 300 mg ... upped to 400 mg ... probably need to be upped to 500 mg ... Then 600...

Whoa! Perhaps it's time to think about a different med. You're right in that sleep problems can be symptoms of depression, and given all your "perfectionist" confessions I'd say you've got even more evidence.

Are you seeing a general practitioner for your meds? GPs are great for lots of things, but it may be time to see a pro if you're not already seeing a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist. Are you seeing a therapist? Unless it's a purely biochemical condition, you should treat your disorder from all possible avenues.

And if sleep really is a problem, make sure you look at the thread above on "Most sedating ADs" by Paul. He's having trouble with his sleep, too, and lots of folks chimed in up there about what meds can help. Bring that info in with you next time you see your doctor -- you should know what options you have other than just piling on more of what might not be working.

Don't let your fear or disappointment stop you from getting the best treatment you can. You deserve nothing less.

Now pardon me, because (as usual) I'm gonna get up on my soap box...

> This all really upsets me terribly ... have a very hard time admitting to myself that I am someone who "suffers from depression" - a psychiatric thing... I am having major trouble accepting that this is my reality and may be for the rest of my life. I give you all tremendous credit for your honesy and forthrightness and, again, courage.

Hey, like my Grandma always used to say, when you point your finger at someone, there's always three pointing back at you. Or, like I like to say, Jenny, it takes one to know one.

Don't tell us about our courage -- you're right, we've been where you are, and admitting the "truth" to ourselves takes a helluva lot of courage. Perhaps more for folks like you who DO drive themselves so hard, because you're probably being doubly hard on yourself about it now ESPECIALLY because most of what you know is based on our culture's stereotypes and stigmas for folk like us.

So forget that "it's a psychiatric thing", okay? Sure, there may be aspects of your environment or the way you were raised or whatever that "made" you depressed, but there are also people out there who went through similar experiences and aren't depressed. Why? Sure, not everyone here agrees with this answer, but biochemistry has a lot to do with it.

I have a brother who's 376 days younger than me, and we went through the same grief growing up. But he's got a beautiful family, a good career, and has never once shown the signs of what I've gone through. He's got darker hair, he's 3 inches shorter and 20 pounds heavier, he can't touch my SAT scores but he can yank an engine from a car, take it apart, fix what's wrong, and put it back together in a way I'll never comprehend. For all the genes we share not just because we're both human, but because we share the same parents, and for all the life experiences we shared at practically the same developmental periods of our "formative years", we still have our fundamental differences. He's not depressed, and I am. He's said he cannot even imagine why anyone would want to kill himself, and I've tried ... and I still understand perfectly why someone, why I, would want this.

If you ask me, I'd say our brains handle neurotransmitters rather differently.

Some people think that if you're depressed, then you just have to "buck up", pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and get over it. Last time I checked, I didn't see any bootstraps on any of the chemical formulae for any medications or any neurotransmitters, for that matter.

Would you be so tough on yourself if you had diabetes? No, I imagine you'd take your meds and get some nutritional counseling and learn what not to eat or what positive things you could do to help manage your disorder. Me? My cholesterol sucks. But I take my Lipitor, I watch what I eat, and Lord knows I try to exercise (actually, the Lord knows quite well all the excuses I make for not exercising!). But I do what I can to manage the disorder in my system that cannot regulate how my body handles cholesterol.

If you're going to face up to having a neurological disorder and be honest with yourself, then start by shedding all the lies our culture has taught you about "us". You listen to the Indigo Girls? Emily Sailers has a song on their latest disc that, IMO, touches so well on this stigma:

"You tell me it's temporary, it's a matter of time
By God, don't you think I know it's in my mind?
And it's right over left, and healing the then
I'll soon be to nothing, but I don't know when."

Yeah, it's in your mind, but it's nothing you can wish away. It's in your brain. It's in your genes. It's also in your memories, your beliefs, the way you push yourself so hard to be perfect and it's particularly in whatever or whoever taught you that "perfect" was something you needed to be. But it's not just healing the "then" -- it's healing the now and the future. And it's never settling for being able to say "Oh, it's nothing." What we all are going through is definitely NOT nothing, nor should that be a goal. We all deserve better than getting back to it all being nothing.

If yesterday you thought "I'm just fine" and were wrong, but today you think "I'm depressed" and you're right -- then you are a BETTER person today because of it. Depression is not a fault of character.

Give yourself some credit, Jenny, you HAVE earned it. And go get yourself the care you deserve.

And welcome to Babbleland,
bob =^)

 

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