Posted by k.darling on March 23, 2000, at 15:48:31
In reply to Re: Me? Bipolar III - New Diagnoses or Biology, posted by Scott L. Schofield on March 23, 2000, at 7:47:37
dear LD (& everyone else),
the difference between depression & manic-depression is very central & intimate to the me i now find myself to be. after about twenty years of considering myself depressed (and having no luck with either meds or therapy so i--sad & proud--stopped) i had a decidedly (hypo?)manic episode six months back. and so i cannot but ask myself (time & again; always uncertain): was this bound to happen to me (at some point, eventually, because of my physiology) or did something somehow (and there are too many possibilities to list) summon it from the depths of my soul (when it otherwise would have only slumbered)?
in the utter chaos & confusion of the aftermath, i went again (quite humbly this time) to a pdoc who proposed i may be bipolar(?--i'm not good with numbers). after some false starts, i find myself (surprisingly happy--mostly) on neurontin; we're working on finding the ideal dosage for me (which seems to be somewhere between 1200 & 2100mg).
however i can't now reflect upon my life without questioning whether some event or other (til now forgotten--or set aside in embarassment) was really some unrecognized mania--or at least some indicator of such; and whether this illness could have been diagnosed much earlier (had either the doctors been more perceptive, or myself been more patient with them); and what that could have meant to me. it took me years to get used to the idea that i was depressed & that (as nothing seemed to help it) i just had to cope with what i was the best i could. perhaps it will be years before i can accept this new identity (and it is--everything seems redefined) without tears & wonder.