Posted by Racer on April 24, 2004, at 18:08:02
In reply to RACER where are you?, posted by noa on April 23, 2004, at 20:22:59
Well, be careful what you wish for...
I'm off the carousel, onto the roller coaster. I'm feeling so wretched, and alternating between cautious hope and utter despair. The game of Telephone being played at this agency is really devastating, especially since it really does matter who actually said specifically what, and I can't know that. The good news is that I left a message for my new therapist about the latest blindsiding knockout punch, so I suspect it will come up at our next session.
Part of what makes it so frustrating is that I was working so hard to try to trust her enough to talk about some of the things that are so much on my mind, and this latest really and truly made me feel utterly betrayed. Since she didn't return my call, I don't even know if she really did what she's said to have done or not. I hope that there was some sort of miscommunication, but the fear that there wasn't is pretty distressing. And then I've got that fatalistic streak saying, "If it turns out that she's going to ask me to gut it out 'for my own good,' well, then that's the end. I can't keep trying so hard without anyone else making any effort." And then I get to beat myself up over what a childish jerk I am, how I'm shooting myself in the foot by refusing the services they're supposed to provide, even though the services provided so far are actively destroying me at this point.
Here's a question for you, about trust. Right now, everyone keeps saying that I have to be the one to make the effort to trust them, since they're there to help me. And I keep trying, and keep failing, and try a little less each time because of how badly it hurts each time someone there betrays me. And, of course, if I say that I feel betrayed, they tell me I'm wrong, of course no one has betrayed me, etc. But don't they have some sort of responsibility in the whole Trust Game? Isn't it right for them to earn my trust in some way? Or is it really all my responsibility to force myself to trust them, and then force myself to continue trusting them after every blow leveled against me?
I know, I really do know. They do have some responsibility in this, and they do need to make some sort of effort to earn my trust, rather than sitting there passively like some benign Buddah waiting for disciples to come and worship. And I do know that they are neither perceiving nor respecting me by their continued insistance that I do all the work and put up with all the [stuff you scrape off your shoes] they've thrown at me so far. And you know what else? Sure, I'm disturbed, I'm hypersensitive, I get hysterical easily, and I over-react a lot. Guess what? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M THERE TO BE TREATED FOR!!!
I'm so very, very close to just giving up entirely. I'm out of energy, and I just feel as if I've been fighting so long, without a rest, and I don't have the energy to keep fighting. And the latest with this therapist was really, really devastating.