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Re: Pursuing "Life" while still recovering

Posted by Scott L. Schofield on December 31, 1999, at 14:19:03

In reply to Pursuing "Life" while still recovering , posted by Joanne on December 31, 1999, at 6:53:51

> I've read several posts where some of you function extremely well on the outside, a.k.a. university classes, careers, professions..all those things in life many people (including me :) want. Although my depression is stabilized through the Wellbutrin/Ativan/Ambien/Sonata combo, it is still very difficult for me to commit to almost ANYTHING unless it's the spur of the moment. I rarely make plans in advance because I don't know if I'll be able to keep the commitment...depends how I feel that day! Anything from
'having lunch with a friend' to going to classes at the right time on the right day...terrify me.

Itís a lonely place to be.

> Is this just a social problem I have which has nothing to do with depression? (lack of being able to commit and do something. Girls I work with take 5 classes at college, raise kids, a husband, and a home, hold down a full time job, and they function perfectly well. I can barely make it to one class each day faithfully. Any advice? Maybe this is where I need to talk to my theraist. Anway, just seeing if anyone else out there has this problem. Doesn't seem like it, but if anyone does, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks, and Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!Love, Joanne

How do they do it?

During my brief glimpses of remission, most of which having lasted for only a few days, life seemed like such an easy and exciting place to be. I didnít have to push myself to do anything. Even dental flossing was pretty cool. I was very gregarious and very self-confident. I had enough energy to do whatever I wanted.

Then came relapse into severe depression. There is a sort of timeless about depression. It seems like it has no beginning and no end. It is hard to retain and acknowledge the memories of how easy and enjoyable life can be without it. Memory tends to be state-specific anyway. After being depressed for long enough, it doesnít seem possible to me that people can actually do the things they do. I feel like a lonely, sole Neanderthal trying to live in the modern world.

When nothing else in the world seems positive enough to rationalize remaining in it, I try to recognize that I *have* had good periods during which I *knew* that everything could be good (or at least better). However, I cannot necessarily remember the experience. I can only know that I had one. I canít remember how it felt. I canít remember how it tasted. I canít remember me.

I doubt that this will help any, but I hope it allows you to feel less alone.

- Scott




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