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Re: difference bet no 'future' and wanting to die?

Posted by Adam on December 14, 1999, at 20:01:01

In reply to difference bet no 'future' and wanting to die?, posted by jane on December 14, 1999, at 19:16:13

I have experienced both the sincere desire to die, and also the less severe but no less important
anhedonia that you describe. I would say both are symptoms of depression. If you are no longer
feeling suicidal, that's probably a sign that your meds are working, but perhaps your depression
isn't in full remission. Please refresh my memory: What are you taking?

I have literally drifted since I got out of college. I had the grades and the work experience to
make me an attractive candidate to at least some medical and gradute schools, but could never get up
the courage or resolve to even take the entrance exams. I would say my depression now is in almost full
remission, and I nowhere near have my act together. It's only been a couple months since I have
felt this way, so it would be a lot to expect at this point that I would get right back on track, I
suppose. I would like to just have fun for a while and see what it is that I need out of life. I mourn
bad decisions, missed opportunities, good things had and lost because I could not appreciate them. I
think we all need some sense of purpose, but having ambitions and pursuing goals are not the means to
happiness, IMO. I am amazed how small things move me these days, how just having a few close friends
and something interesting to do on Friday night can make me as happy as I need to be.

I think you need first and foremost to find a more effective treatment for your depression. Make
that your primary ambition at this point-attack this illness with extreme prejudice. I doubt "getting
your act together" will bring you the joy you are looking for. It is kind of a corny proverb, but
I think the saying "there is no way to happiness, but rather, happiness is the way" has a lot of truth
to it.

> I wanted some feedback from folks on the difference between the "big black hole" where you struggle every minute to not die (been there - this isn't as bad) versus where I am now- I just can't see a future, not tomorrow , next week or anytime. So is this another bout of depression (but less intense) or is it midlife crisis and I should just 'get my act together'.
> I "function" day to day because I have responsibilities but I have no plans, joy or happiness.
> I am on meds and I thought they were working, but I'm not sure. I also am having trouble with concentration and putting together any complex thought (expressing myself now is a struggle) I don't have a pdoc anymore bec of insurance, so no one has the big picture of all my meds. The idea of re-evaluating my 'chemical cocktail' is overwhelming, but I really would appreciate any input. Thanks




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