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Re: Look Ahead

Posted by Adam on November 29, 1999, at 23:48:45

In reply to Re: Look Ahead, posted by Jane on November 29, 1999, at 17:41:23


Yeah, it may not be of much use to dwell on regrets. I kind of picked the title of
the thread as an anti-quote of sorts of an old Edith Piaf song, "Non, je ne regrette
rien." The words (copying from my CD cover) are, in part...

Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal
Tout ça m'est bien égal
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
C'est payé, balayé, oublié
Je me fous du passé

I think it means:

No, nothing of nothing
No, I regret nothing
Neither the good that's been done to me, or the bad
It's all the same to me
No, nothing of nothing
No, I regret nothing
It's paid, erased, forgotten
I could care less what has happened

Or something like that. If anybody had a rough beginning, it was Edith Piaf. I guess
she was abandoned by her parents to be raised in a brothel, was later reclaimed by her
father, who put her in the streets to sing for food, ran away, got pregnant at 16, lost
the baby soon after, etc., etc. Her true love, I heard, died in a plane crash. I
suppose my troubles pale in comparison, and I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have
tried to look to the future as much as I can. I've dated other people since. But it was
never the same. Anyway, finding old reminders, seeing familiar handwriting, actually
holding something in my hands like a letter and a picture, something I hadn't done in
a few years, did something. I don't know. I hate to evoke the idea of repressed memories,
because I'm not sure there is such a thing.

But, I remember, when my mother died, my father essentially shut off. I didn't go to the
funeral (too young, he thought), I didn't talk about it for years afterward. So many people
commented on how mature I behaved, and how well I was dealing with it, even though I was
only about eight. Then, when my grandmother died, she was buried next to my mother. It
was the first time I had seen the grave, and my response was totally unexpected. I saw the
stone; it was just a stone, but my heart started pounding, I saw her name and the dates,
and I couldn't breath. I almost fell over. I was shaking, I guess I turned white as a sheet,
tears were just streaming out of my eyes, though I was quiet as a mouse. I had no idea
being there would cause such a reaction. I just lost it.

So I found this bag, lots of letters, pulled a few out, and there some of them were. In one
was a picture, us, together in the Isabella Stuart Gardener museum (illegal photo), young,
smiling. My heart actually started pounding. I read that letter, and, I don't know, I just
couldn't deny the way I just ached, just physically hurt at that moment. How can I not feel
sad? How can I not feel robbed? And how can I not feel so incredibly sorry for the times I
got angry or pushed her away, or belittled her desires for marriage and kids b/c I was just
too down on myself and life to comprehend what an incredible gift I was being offered.

I guess maybe it's like that time at the grave. Unfinished business, perhaps. I don't really
understand it, years after the fact.

But in a way, I'm sort of glad. I mean, why shouldn't I feel horrible? It's almost refreshing
to just hurt without wanting to die at the same time.

Hindsight is 20/20. But much of what I see is needless suffering and loss. If these things
happen for a reason, damned if I can think of what that reason is. It seems mostly senseless
and pointless to me. I don't know what I've learned, but I do have a hope, and that is if I
am ever fortunate enough to have something so good again, I hope my hands are big enough to hold

> i can understand how everyone can empathize the feelings of loss although i admit ive not really thought about the years i've lost due to depression - since i've been off my antidepressant (about 4 months ago) after completed the one-year of suggested regimen for a first time treatment patient, i still marvel at how i am able to feel more at peace and happy with myself than i could ever remember even as a child. i dont see those years as losses because those were times that shaped me to be who i am today, and the hard times helped me gain strength even though many of those times i doubted i can carry on. in many ways ive come to respect my inner strength alot more because of what i had gone through and knowing that i pulled through it and still came out a basically decent person. so there are never any losses - things always happen for the right reasons that we may not see right now because we're deep inside it. hindsight is always 20/20 right?
> jane




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