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Re: my diag./symptoms & med s-effects

Posted by Diane on November 4, 1999, at 14:01:16

In reply to Organizing our diag./symptoms & med s-effects , posted by Diane on November 1, 1999, at 20:41:50

I'm just starting out on the journey to solve/correct my depression once and for all,
I promise I won't make a long post again.
This is my one time shot to find a similarly afflicted person.

Self-Diagnosis: From what I've gathered so far, I seem to be a fluctuating mix
of/between major, atypical, dysthymic, plus chronic social phobia. But the overall
trend is always downward.

Sleep: Some insomnia
Appetite: Never has it decreased
Worst time of day: Morning! (pre 1990 afternoon)
Energy: Diminished
Onset: Chronic
Age of onset: 11
Ability to function: Very impaired (no job)
Suicidal: Often
Mood reactive to
external events: Yes to negative events. No to positive.
Loss of interest: Yes, chronic, loosing hope, as well.

Age 11.
That's when I first noticed:
I had no interest in school, friends, play etc.
I have been mostly alone from there on out.
I couldn't focus, concentrate, remember in school.
Consequently I came to fear school. Barely graduated HS
I've had no real close friends except Gene (whom I married).
I've never been sexually motivated. I've always been a wallflower, a non-entity.
I've always been a loner. A lonely loner. Not by choice.
I just can't connect with people. Especially now after all these years.

I have always felt doubt, fear, insecure, worthless, hopeless, incapable, gutless
unmotivated. Always lacked drive, ambition, assertiveness.
I lack what ever IT is to succeed and be normal.
Thus over time lots of guilt & shame at being a dependent looser have stacked up.
I have always felt undeserving, inferior to all others, lost, helpless. Empty.
I've never been independent or self-supporting...I have no skills. Have never
worked, except that once (while on Methadone).
I've never even been physically alone except for 1 week in 1976.

The last 10 years have added to the list anger, hate, frustration, negative aggression
endless negative thoughts, thoughts of suicide (I've decided that if I can't get back
on methadone or come up with some solution to my depression by the time Runty
dies (she is 8 yrs now) I will go get me a big old bag of heroin and die myself.)
I can't live like this anymore...34 years is enough! I'm 45 yrs old for christ sake.
A 45yr old baby. I want to live normal or die.

I hate my parents, I always have. They've always been a negative intrusion.
(" You can't do that Diane because....")
Having to live with them again is exacerbating my problem! I'd have gotten back on
Methadone 4 yrs ago if it wasn't for them. They are against all drugs (except of
course the ones they are dependent on). If they knew I was considering ADs
they'd make me feel so bad about it (like a freak) that no amount of AD
would work...would override their negative garbage, looks of disgust. Which is one
the reasons I'm going thru my GP and not a Psychiatrist.
I have never been able to fight off, sluff off their negative garbage.
They bombard me with it. Even when I lived 800miles away. They phoned endlessly.

They use shame & guilt to get what they want. Are OVERPROTECTIVE.
Being totally dependent on them is killing me and is giving them even more
license to intrude. Talking to them is like talking to a wall.
This is one of the worst positions I've ever been in.
I'm trapped like a bloody rat. If I had balls they'd have em!
I'm getting more and more desperate and am barely holding on right now.

All the above feelings still apply today. The past dominates because there is no
future. I think about past events every morning. Sometimes all day. I hate the past, I
want/need to BLOCK IT OUT . It cripples me with anger. I can't go forward
because it's always standing in my way.

I find all the different AD meds confusing. Am looking into books now.
I hope the above and below will aid in finding the best one(s) for me.
If someone here can apply this page to themselves then maybe I can follow their
lead or we can hasten the AD trials by each trying different drugs until one work.

Drugs that I've experienced & my reactions:

Zoloft™ gave me headaches.
Prozac™ I turned violent after only 9hrs in my system. I grabbed my mom by the
throat. Didn't think nothing of it. No restraint.
Xanax made me dopey, useless. Withdrawal seizures. Word difficulties yrs after
Mellaril, I can't remember. It wasn't impressed tho obviously.
Klonopin made me dopey, useless.
Vallium, nothing.
Tryptophan, the amino acid, gives me nightmares.
Alcohol, one drink and I've got a headache.
Caffeine, angry, nervous, negative grrrrrrr
Pot, depressed, insecure & self-conscious in the extreme! Nervous. Can't breathe.
Cocaine, too euphoric. Crash is unbelievably depressing. Can't breathe.
Speed (street) max. depression, scattered, can't stand it, easily winded.
Demerol®, nothing.
Codeine, no big deal. Killer on the stomach
Vicodin, feels similar to methadone/heroin for a very little while. Kills the stomach
Morphine is too dopey. A little too much and you're out like a light.
Heroin is much better but it's an occupation. The returns are no longer worth the
Methadone is perfect. Long acting. It stabilizes. There is no debilitating rush or crash.

It's a constant even flow. The only drug that has worked.
!Methadone stimulates my body and my mind! "Type A in a type B body" I became
just the opposite of myself. A Miracle. Darkness turned to light.
I'm not going to elaborate because I'd fill up many pages easily.
Suffice it to say there ain't nothing I desire more....
..........................outside of Gene alive and Runty to live forever.

So there's my diag./symptoms & med s-effects... condensed.

I need to forget... what I am :o)

AGAIN I apologize for the length and/or possible uselessness of information.




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