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...wanting to conversate - Leonora, Sean, et al

Posted by Judy on July 16, 1999, at 19:45:27

In reply to Re: ...And wanting to conversate , posted by Sean on July 14, 1999, at 11:36:46

First of all, is "conversate" really a word? (They say there's no such thing as a stupid question if you don't know the answer!)

One of the best things about this site, for me, has been to see that my symptoms, side effects and weirdities (definitely not a real word) are shared by others. How many times have I read posts here and said to myself, "Hey! It's not just me!"?

Leonora - how tragic that whenever we seem anything but depressed, our loved ones think something is terribly wrong! Sean - your remark about "someone else" wasting the money, taking the drugs, etc. triggered a question that's been in my head for a long time - more about this below if I don't lose my train of thought in the meantime!

Following are some of the things that roll around in my brain when I'm doing the "It must be me" thing. Talk amongst yourselves (this last phrase won't make sense unless you've seen Mike Meyers' hilarious 'Linda Richman' skits on Saturday Night Live):

Does anyone but me feel that there is an actual, physical weight to depression? When you wake up in the morning, you can tell how bad the day's going to be when you can hardly lift your head off the pillow because it's so heavy (and if you do, you wonder if your neck can actually hold it up there)?

Has anyone ever noticed the look (or actually absence thereof) in your eyes during a depressed state? I find that I stare at nothing a lot when depressed. If I look in the mirror, there is NO life in my eyes and I can't "create" it even if I try. I look at old photos of myself and think "Jeez! I was really down when this was taken - my eyes are 'dead'!

Finally (Okay, Sean, I remembered my question after all this time!) this is the biggie: Who am I really? With no medication, I am a useless wreck who cannot even get out of bed much less lead a productive life. Each med seems to come with its own personna - for me, Lythium almost made me a dead person; Serzone made me become a nasty, antagonistic witch; all the SSRI's transformed me into an exhausted Zombie; and Nardil makes me seem to be the best person I can ever be - positive, energetic, loving, etc., etc., etc. So who am I really? That pathetic wretch on no medication; the happy, productive go-getter I am on Nardil; or something in between? I think about this a lot. When Prozac was first introduced, there was an uproar about the new pill that could change personalities, make you smarter, whatever. The uproar quickly died down when this turned out not to be the case for people who just wanted to "tweak" their personalities for the better; yet when depressed, I DO take on the personna of whatever drug I may be taking at the time. Anybody else ever wonder about this? Or is it just me?


> > > > Agreed Sean this thread (and site) is wonderful. Here's my problem, small albeit to those I have when I'm down. I have the heightened sensitivity thing going on when my brain chemistry is working, and I desperately want to share these observations in conversation with people, but alas who? Those around me either don't get it or worse think it's time to call the doc because I'm going into a manic phase. A few years back I had serontonin syndrome diagnosed as Bipolar disorder, so whenever I'm anything but depressed, my family starts to worry. Now ain't that a bitch? I, however, do remember that the "up" me was exactly how I was in college and early 20's before my first major episode of depression hit. Anyone else have similar experiences? How to cope? Should we start some kind of new support thread?
> > >
> It might be cool to start a thread on support. We
> can talk all we want to the p-docs, but there is
> an existential, "in the trenches" sort of relating
> that I can only get here.
> Sometime I think about the way I internalize and
> represent my own feelings/symptomology to myself.
> This happens in a very strange "place" which is
> itself subject to the ravages of the disorder, and
> yet the beachhead of self-knowledge I've managed
> to create (and this is where therapy is king...) is
> sometimes the only thing between me and the infinite
> fall or flight to fantasy. Despite all the wasted
> money, drugs, embarassing acts, I'm not at all
> sure I can say was "someone else" doing them, or
> blame my neurons in the abstract somehow.
> In the bipolar context, this could be seen as the
> idealized euthymic self I suppose, a self which
> governs and serves the emotions when needed. Of
> course what you never really read about is how
> "natural" it feels to experience extreme emotions.
> It is a constant source of amazement to me that
> most people jsut don't go into these places. And
> I know now that what appears to be some sort of
> cosmic punishment is really depression, and what
> appears to be "religious clarity" is the start of
> mania.
> Or is it?
> Green toothbrushes forever.
> Sean.




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